Sunday, June 15, 2008 
10:07 PM ♥
I thought that everything would be alright after the OASIS camp, but i was so wrong. I am growing worse lately. I have been trying to remove all the negative thoughts that have been running through my head last time, but some of them seems to be coming back to me. I have been very short and hot tempered recently, i have been throwing my temper frequently at home. Seriously, i really cannot help it. There has been many things that i am struggling now with, but i simply cannot share it with the people around me. These are the things that i am really not proud of. My family has been trying to tolerate me, but i know that it may not last long. I know that what i am now has cause a lot of problem to them, affecting them a lot. But what can i do? I simply loss control of myself. I want to change, but how?
I have been emo-ing recently, back to my usual self. I thought through quite a lot yesterday, when i was on the train heading from somerset to tampines. Basically, i know that the feeling which forces me to leave East E few years ago is back. All of a sudden, i no longer feel the sense of belonging. I hate to have this feeling, but i cannot help it. I have been trying to convince myself that i was wrong, but am i? I thought through about the things that have been happening in the OASIS camp, guess what? I confirm that my thinking was right. In fact, i find it ironic that i am living for the sake of the people, yet i am hurt by them. I am feeling this way because of the people, am i wrong to feel this way? I believe that all this is going to make my life miserable. I guess i should just continue to live in my own world, perhaps isolation could prevent me from being hurt by the people around me. I do not want to cry in the dark again... ...i am sick of it
I am not a good christian. I have been bringing a lot of problems to trouble the people around me. First is this, second is that,... ... I really find myself annoying to trouble the others. I have been adding more problems to the family, care group,... ... I have not been contributing to the care group even though i have the heart to do so. I have promised to a lot of people about certain things, but i did not keep my word. I am not trustworthy at all. In fact, i am nothing. This is not self-pity or whatever, i am merely stating the fact. I want to be honest to myself.
I really enjoyed listening to the song "welcome to my life" by Simple plan. Basically, it is quite an old song, but this is the song that can describe my feeling now.
Welcome To My Life
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding
-siqi
♡ 
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Sunday, June 15, 2008 10:07 PM ♥
I thought that everything would be alright after the OASIS camp, but i was so wrong. I am growing worse lately. I have been trying to remove all the negative thoughts that have been running through my head last time, but some of them seems to be coming back to me. I have been very short and hot tempered recently, i have been throwing my temper frequently at home. Seriously, i really cannot help it. There has been many things that i am struggling now with, but i simply cannot share it with the people around me. These are the things that i am really not proud of. My family has been trying to tolerate me, but i know that it may not last long. I know that what i am now has cause a lot of problem to them, affecting them a lot. But what can i do? I simply loss control of myself. I want to change, but how?
I have been emo-ing recently, back to my usual self. I thought through quite a lot yesterday, when i was on the train heading from somerset to tampines. Basically, i know that the feeling which forces me to leave East E few years ago is back. All of a sudden, i no longer feel the sense of belonging. I hate to have this feeling, but i cannot help it. I have been trying to convince myself that i was wrong, but am i? I thought through about the things that have been happening in the OASIS camp, guess what? I confirm that my thinking was right. In fact, i find it ironic that i am living for the sake of the people, yet i am hurt by them. I am feeling this way because of the people, am i wrong to feel this way? I believe that all this is going to make my life miserable. I guess i should just continue to live in my own world, perhaps isolation could prevent me from being hurt by the people around me. I do not want to cry in the dark again... ...i am sick of it
I am not a good christian. I have been bringing a lot of problems to trouble the people around me. First is this, second is that,... ... I really find myself annoying to trouble the others. I have been adding more problems to the family, care group,... ... I have not been contributing to the care group even though i have the heart to do so. I have promised to a lot of people about certain things, but i did not keep my word. I am not trustworthy at all. In fact, i am nothing. This is not self-pity or whatever, i am merely stating the fact. I want to be honest to myself.
I really enjoyed listening to the song "welcome to my life" by Simple plan. Basically, it is quite an old song, but this is the song that can describe my feeling now.
Welcome To My Life
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding
-siqi
♡
February 2006