Thursday, May 29, 2008 
12:24 AM ♥
Finally like what i have expected, i broke down today. During Care-Group, i was really not able to concentrate well, my mind drifts away easily. I ran into deep thoughts, and i was too engrossed with it. I have been losing my focus, not able to concentrate in my studies or whatever. After the Care-Group, i finally broke down. I can feel the urge that tears were going to roll down, but i was trying to hold my tears. Seriously, my back hurts ALOT! I really cannot sit straight, it is so painful. Thus, i was not able to sit straight during Care-Group. Ouch! Initiatly, i wanted to have dinner with the Care-Group members, but i feel that my emotions were unstable. So, i quickly went home. The pain was really unbearable. When i reached home, i started to cry again. I really do not know what was wrong with me? Why did i cried so badly? Am i losing myself? I was searching the answer deep down within my heart, but i failed to do so. Losing myself, i cut myself again. But this time round, i bleed more. I was really desperate. I tend to have a lot of negative thoughts when i am alone, but this is unevitable. Perhaps self-mutilation is a source of comfort? Or maybe i am addicted to it? Qin went to called Kim and Nicole, and both of them gave to our house. In fact, i was quite cold to them. Seriously when you are crying, you do not really bother much. I promise that i will go washed myself up and not try to do anything funny tonight. BUT, I am not sure if I can keep to my promise. I really do not want to stay at home, i feel very stressful. I guess i want to stay away from home this days. I no longer have the will-power to continue my journey. I am like a lost soul, a wandering ghost. In fact, i am no longer what i used to be in the past. I used to smile very often, i used to joke a lot. But that was the past, all of that have disappear. I am no longer myself. So, i am now living with out a motive or purpose, that is totally wasting my life on Earth. I have no idea how i am going to survive tonight. Take more pills or what? I really do not know! I try to stop myself from doing funny tonight, but how long i can last? I have almost given up my life. I guess i am sure that i am ready this time. I am ready to go... ...
-siqi
♡ 
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Thursday, May 29, 2008 12:24 AM ♥
Finally like what i have expected, i broke down today. During Care-Group, i was really not able to concentrate well, my mind drifts away easily. I ran into deep thoughts, and i was too engrossed with it. I have been losing my focus, not able to concentrate in my studies or whatever. After the Care-Group, i finally broke down. I can feel the urge that tears were going to roll down, but i was trying to hold my tears. Seriously, my back hurts ALOT! I really cannot sit straight, it is so painful. Thus, i was not able to sit straight during Care-Group. Ouch! Initiatly, i wanted to have dinner with the Care-Group members, but i feel that my emotions were unstable. So, i quickly went home. The pain was really unbearable. When i reached home, i started to cry again. I really do not know what was wrong with me? Why did i cried so badly? Am i losing myself? I was searching the answer deep down within my heart, but i failed to do so. Losing myself, i cut myself again. But this time round, i bleed more. I was really desperate. I tend to have a lot of negative thoughts when i am alone, but this is unevitable. Perhaps self-mutilation is a source of comfort? Or maybe i am addicted to it? Qin went to called Kim and Nicole, and both of them gave to our house. In fact, i was quite cold to them. Seriously when you are crying, you do not really bother much. I promise that i will go washed myself up and not try to do anything funny tonight. BUT, I am not sure if I can keep to my promise. I really do not want to stay at home, i feel very stressful. I guess i want to stay away from home this days. I no longer have the will-power to continue my journey. I am like a lost soul, a wandering ghost. In fact, i am no longer what i used to be in the past. I used to smile very often, i used to joke a lot. But that was the past, all of that have disappear. I am no longer myself. So, i am now living with out a motive or purpose, that is totally wasting my life on Earth. I have no idea how i am going to survive tonight. Take more pills or what? I really do not know! I try to stop myself from doing funny tonight, but how long i can last? I have almost given up my life. I guess i am sure that i am ready this time. I am ready to go... ...
-siqi
♡
February 2006