Sunday, May 25, 2008 
11:48 AM ♥
The church service yesterday was quite fun for me; I met up with nicole at the Tampines MRT station at 11.15am, which i was proud to say that finally i was on time. I was not late! Anyway, we head to Somerset for the JC meeting. From then, i learned that it was Louis's birthday yesterday. Happy Belated Birthday! After having some conversation with Nicole, i began to learned more about her. Unlike Cai Juan(my previous shepherd) who was a little wild, Nicole was more than that. Just kidding! It was just that some action really stunned me. So, i gave her the present that i bought for her. It was the red mushroom handphone holder which i feel that it looks like the mushroom character in maple story. Seriously, i have no idea why i went for the JC meet? Maybe i just do not want to disappoint Nicole? After the JC meet, some of the CG members went to eat Wanton noodle. It was nice! Yummy! After trying to swallow down everything, it was time for us to attend the prayer meet. Kim was singing! That is really cool! I really pray to God to help me overcome my phobia. True enough, God arranged me to seat all the way in beside the wall. I was like ' God, you must be joking?'. I am like being surrounded in all direction. Maybe God wants to give me the opportunity to overcome my fear? I was shivering and trembling. Shivering because it was too cold, trembling because i was too scared. I really felt uneasy, it was all of a sudden to have a urge to leave. But i did not. I felt so tired, hopeless and helpless. I was just like a poor soul fighting in the battle myself. I was totally drained, there was no more drive for me to go on. I admit that i almost cried, but i was trying hard to hold my tears. Fortunately, the service ended. We went to have our dinner at Meridian. I alway having the dumpling noodle soup, just that i hate the vegetable inside. It was then all the fun begins. We have pool! It has really been a long time seems i touch the pool cue. Joyce was really cute, she really can 'jump' the ball. Michelle was good in the game, because of the fact that she was also a left-handed person. After that, we went to eat. So, everybody was supposed to contribute some food and celebrate Louis's birthday. Michelle, Siting and I shared to buy the honey chicken which smells good! Yummy, yummy! I also like the cheese cake that Kim bought. This very cheese cake really changed my opinion, i used to hate it. Everything ended quite late and we were rushing for the last train service. Actually i went to pass Kim a present that i have bought, but she was missing in action. After arriving at Tampines, we went to slack a bit at the TM MacDonald before heading home. It was really quite late when i reached home, but it was really a fun day together with the CG. Really thanks the CG for such a wonderful day!
While i was on my way home ALONE, the devil starts to strike on me again. ' If God really love His people so much, why did He allows the disasters to happen and killed so many people?' I was stunned and shocked. Why? Why all this happened? I was really searching for the right answer. I was really depressed. Maybe God is not as great as He is? All of a sudden, the devil's voice was over my head. I prayed to God to let it stop... ... Perhaps i should just give up? I have no confident in winning the battle. The devil seems to only strike only at night, when i was alone. No one can help me! No one can save me! I was all alone... ... In fact, i was crying pretty badly,why does all this comes and goes... ... i have no control. My emotion just overwhelm me, this is really distracting. Now, i am just feeling very restless, no mood for anything. Even a slightest things can affect my mood, even if it was nothing. I am really falling into a bottomless pit, never ending, never stop. I am just a mortal, a ordinary person. I do not have the power to fight against the devil, even God is not helping me.
I was having a tough time trying to get on with my sleep. One Baa... ...Two Baa... Baa... Three Baa... Baa ... Baa...........so on so for. What if everything can end, what if all the pain can end, should i go for it. Perhaps my heart is died, really died... ... i remember when i was backsliding at East E, many tried to save me. But they failed, i was drifting off already. Maybe this is going to be the second time? There are many questions within my heart that i long to have an answer, but who can i asked? Maybe this world just do not understand me, maybe i do not belongs to this world? I am going to end all this... ...
what if death is just the only solution?-siqi
♡ 
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Sunday, May 25, 2008 11:48 AM ♥
The church service yesterday was quite fun for me; I met up with nicole at the Tampines MRT station at 11.15am, which i was proud to say that finally i was on time. I was not late! Anyway, we head to Somerset for the JC meeting. From then, i learned that it was Louis's birthday yesterday. Happy Belated Birthday! After having some conversation with Nicole, i began to learned more about her. Unlike Cai Juan(my previous shepherd) who was a little wild, Nicole was more than that. Just kidding! It was just that some action really stunned me. So, i gave her the present that i bought for her. It was the red mushroom handphone holder which i feel that it looks like the mushroom character in maple story. Seriously, i have no idea why i went for the JC meet? Maybe i just do not want to disappoint Nicole? After the JC meet, some of the CG members went to eat Wanton noodle. It was nice! Yummy! After trying to swallow down everything, it was time for us to attend the prayer meet. Kim was singing! That is really cool! I really pray to God to help me overcome my phobia. True enough, God arranged me to seat all the way in beside the wall. I was like ' God, you must be joking?'. I am like being surrounded in all direction. Maybe God wants to give me the opportunity to overcome my fear? I was shivering and trembling. Shivering because it was too cold, trembling because i was too scared. I really felt uneasy, it was all of a sudden to have a urge to leave. But i did not. I felt so tired, hopeless and helpless. I was just like a poor soul fighting in the battle myself. I was totally drained, there was no more drive for me to go on. I admit that i almost cried, but i was trying hard to hold my tears. Fortunately, the service ended. We went to have our dinner at Meridian. I alway having the dumpling noodle soup, just that i hate the vegetable inside. It was then all the fun begins. We have pool! It has really been a long time seems i touch the pool cue. Joyce was really cute, she really can 'jump' the ball. Michelle was good in the game, because of the fact that she was also a left-handed person. After that, we went to eat. So, everybody was supposed to contribute some food and celebrate Louis's birthday. Michelle, Siting and I shared to buy the honey chicken which smells good! Yummy, yummy! I also like the cheese cake that Kim bought. This very cheese cake really changed my opinion, i used to hate it. Everything ended quite late and we were rushing for the last train service. Actually i went to pass Kim a present that i have bought, but she was missing in action. After arriving at Tampines, we went to slack a bit at the TM MacDonald before heading home. It was really quite late when i reached home, but it was really a fun day together with the CG. Really thanks the CG for such a wonderful day!
While i was on my way home ALONE, the devil starts to strike on me again. ' If God really love His people so much, why did He allows the disasters to happen and killed so many people?' I was stunned and shocked. Why? Why all this happened? I was really searching for the right answer. I was really depressed. Maybe God is not as great as He is? All of a sudden, the devil's voice was over my head. I prayed to God to let it stop... ... Perhaps i should just give up? I have no confident in winning the battle. The devil seems to only strike only at night, when i was alone. No one can help me! No one can save me! I was all alone... ... In fact, i was crying pretty badly,why does all this comes and goes... ... i have no control. My emotion just overwhelm me, this is really distracting. Now, i am just feeling very restless, no mood for anything. Even a slightest things can affect my mood, even if it was nothing. I am really falling into a bottomless pit, never ending, never stop. I am just a mortal, a ordinary person. I do not have the power to fight against the devil, even God is not helping me.
I was having a tough time trying to get on with my sleep. One Baa... ...Two Baa... Baa... Three Baa... Baa ... Baa...........so on so for. What if everything can end, what if all the pain can end, should i go for it. Perhaps my heart is died, really died... ... i remember when i was backsliding at East E, many tried to save me. But they failed, i was drifting off already. Maybe this is going to be the second time? There are many questions within my heart that i long to have an answer, but who can i asked? Maybe this world just do not understand me, maybe i do not belongs to this world? I am going to end all this... ...
what if death is just the only solution?-siqi
♡
February 2006