Monday, June 30, 2008 
12:51 AM ♥
As usual, I cannot go to sleep again. No idea why this is happening? This has last for some time already, it is really affecting me. Fortunately, help is on the way. I am seeing a doctor within the week. I hope that the doctor can prescribe me with some medication, enable me to keep my condition in control. I feel that I am getting worse than before. Shit. There was a heated agreement at home today, involving everyone in the family. Even though it is only a small issue, but adding fuel to the flame simply makes things worse. Finally, I lost control of my emotions and broke down again. I know that everyone in the family has been showing great tolerance to me, giving in to me. They are worried that I cannot take it emotionally. But sometimes, I simply take everything for granted. I simply do not want things to turn out this way, but sometimes, I really cannot help it. I am losing self-control, self- discipline, self-esteem… … everyday. After the argument ended, everyone still talked to me very nicely. I know that they are still very angry in their hearts, yet they are showing tolerance to me. I am feeling so guilty of myself. Why am I creating so many problems to the family? Why am I here to suffer all this, making others to suffer with me too? Is this what my life is all about? Why am I waking up every day in the morning? What is the purpose of my life? … … There is simply infinite “why” I desire to question. Why did not I die as an infant? At least I will not have to be troubled in the means of going up to the heaven. Perhaps I will not go up to heaven, maybe I will be simply banished to hell? Worse, I may not even belong to these two places. I belong to nowhere. Maybe this explains why I do not feel a sense of belonging at all. It is really pathetic to see how I keep trying to hold onto something that I know is never coming back. My weakness is I care to much.
-siqi
silly people do silly things.
♡ 
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Monday, June 30, 2008 12:51 AM ♥
As usual, I cannot go to sleep again. No idea why this is happening? This has last for some time already, it is really affecting me. Fortunately, help is on the way. I am seeing a doctor within the week. I hope that the doctor can prescribe me with some medication, enable me to keep my condition in control. I feel that I am getting worse than before. Shit. There was a heated agreement at home today, involving everyone in the family. Even though it is only a small issue, but adding fuel to the flame simply makes things worse. Finally, I lost control of my emotions and broke down again. I know that everyone in the family has been showing great tolerance to me, giving in to me. They are worried that I cannot take it emotionally. But sometimes, I simply take everything for granted. I simply do not want things to turn out this way, but sometimes, I really cannot help it. I am losing self-control, self- discipline, self-esteem… … everyday. After the argument ended, everyone still talked to me very nicely. I know that they are still very angry in their hearts, yet they are showing tolerance to me. I am feeling so guilty of myself. Why am I creating so many problems to the family? Why am I here to suffer all this, making others to suffer with me too? Is this what my life is all about? Why am I waking up every day in the morning? What is the purpose of my life? … … There is simply infinite “why” I desire to question. Why did not I die as an infant? At least I will not have to be troubled in the means of going up to the heaven. Perhaps I will not go up to heaven, maybe I will be simply banished to hell? Worse, I may not even belong to these two places. I belong to nowhere. Maybe this explains why I do not feel a sense of belonging at all. It is really pathetic to see how I keep trying to hold onto something that I know is never coming back. My weakness is I care to much.
-siqi
silly people do silly things.
♡
February 2006