Wednesday, May 21, 2008 
10:49 PM ♥
I am just a failure, completely a failure. I am a failure at home, in studies, in church, in friendship... ... Why do people have to look down on me, question my ability to make it in my first year in JC? Why i cannot do well in my studies even though i study hard for it? Why do i always get rejected when i tried to invite people to my church? Why do i get betrayed by my 'goood' friends? I really do not understand why i am the unlucky one who have to face all this in life? I cannot believe that my parents and my sister really doubt my ability in JC, when it is not even half a year in college. They are my family, why i get discouragment more than encouragement? Even though sometimes i really do not mean it that way, it really break my heart and hurt me. It seems like adding salt to my wound, the pain is unbearable for me. i have tried very hard to do well in my studies, but why do i keep failing? Why do i have lots of work that await me to finish that i cannot get a sufficient sleep? I am really getting very tired in doing all this! I am really very stressed right now, i have no idea how i am going to face the CG members, especially Nicole and Kim. "I really feel very sorry to Nicole, i am not a good sheep. I am adding more problems to you even though you are already being so caught up with ypur work. I am sorry that i am such a disappointment." , " I am also feeling very sorry to Kim. I am sorry to disappoint you that i am not a good 'seed' as what you have said. I really feel bad about adding more problems to your life."
I have cried just now while i was in the bathroom. I really feel very lonely,worthless,hopeless... ...it seems like there is nothing to ease my pain. I have tried to drunk myself with alcohol, but it still does not numb my pain. Often, i will just cut myself with a army swiss knife, allowing me to feel the pain physically. My heart was aching, filled with sorrow and pain. My heart is like a bottomless pit, there is this empitness which can never be filled. Maybe it is just God's wish for me to stay alive, i should have already died last month. I remember that after a heated agrument with my parents, i ran into the toilet with an army swiss knife in my hand, trying to end my life with it. However before i did that, my parent banged through the door and stopped me. It was really close. I can still barely remember that the door fell and hit my head, that is why i got a pretty bad headache that week. I really prayed to God that i hope he can bring me away from this world, leaving all my worries behind. I really feel like dying!! Now, i do not even dare to face Nicole and Kim, what should i do? The deadline is coming and i still cannot get anyone to church, what should i do? I really feel very stressed about it, since i said that i want to be part of it, it is then my responsibility to accomplish it...
-siQi
♡ 
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Wednesday, May 21, 2008 10:49 PM ♥
I am just a failure, completely a failure. I am a failure at home, in studies, in church, in friendship... ... Why do people have to look down on me, question my ability to make it in my first year in JC? Why i cannot do well in my studies even though i study hard for it? Why do i always get rejected when i tried to invite people to my church? Why do i get betrayed by my 'goood' friends? I really do not understand why i am the unlucky one who have to face all this in life? I cannot believe that my parents and my sister really doubt my ability in JC, when it is not even half a year in college. They are my family, why i get discouragment more than encouragement? Even though sometimes i really do not mean it that way, it really break my heart and hurt me. It seems like adding salt to my wound, the pain is unbearable for me. i have tried very hard to do well in my studies, but why do i keep failing? Why do i have lots of work that await me to finish that i cannot get a sufficient sleep? I am really getting very tired in doing all this! I am really very stressed right now, i have no idea how i am going to face the CG members, especially Nicole and Kim. "I really feel very sorry to Nicole, i am not a good sheep. I am adding more problems to you even though you are already being so caught up with ypur work. I am sorry that i am such a disappointment." , " I am also feeling very sorry to Kim. I am sorry to disappoint you that i am not a good 'seed' as what you have said. I really feel bad about adding more problems to your life."
I have cried just now while i was in the bathroom. I really feel very lonely,worthless,hopeless... ...it seems like there is nothing to ease my pain. I have tried to drunk myself with alcohol, but it still does not numb my pain. Often, i will just cut myself with a army swiss knife, allowing me to feel the pain physically. My heart was aching, filled with sorrow and pain. My heart is like a bottomless pit, there is this empitness which can never be filled. Maybe it is just God's wish for me to stay alive, i should have already died last month. I remember that after a heated agrument with my parents, i ran into the toilet with an army swiss knife in my hand, trying to end my life with it. However before i did that, my parent banged through the door and stopped me. It was really close. I can still barely remember that the door fell and hit my head, that is why i got a pretty bad headache that week. I really prayed to God that i hope he can bring me away from this world, leaving all my worries behind. I really feel like dying!! Now, i do not even dare to face Nicole and Kim, what should i do? The deadline is coming and i still cannot get anyone to church, what should i do? I really feel very stressed about it, since i said that i want to be part of it, it is then my responsibility to accomplish it...
-siQi
♡
February 2006