Monday, June 30, 2008 12:51 AM ♥

As usual, I cannot go to sleep again. No idea why this is happening? This has last for some time already, it is really affecting me. Fortunately, help is on the way. I am seeing a doctor within the week. I hope that the doctor can prescribe me with some medication, enable me to keep my condition in control. I feel that I am getting worse than before. Shit. There was a heated agreement at home today, involving everyone in the family. Even though it is only a small issue, but adding fuel to the flame simply makes things worse. Finally, I lost control of my emotions and broke down again. I know that everyone in the family has been showing great tolerance to me, giving in to me. They are worried that I cannot take it emotionally. But sometimes, I simply take everything for granted. I simply do not want things to turn out this way, but sometimes, I really cannot help it. I am losing self-control, self- discipline, self-esteem… … everyday. After the argument ended, everyone still talked to me very nicely. I know that they are still very angry in their hearts, yet they are showing tolerance to me. I am feeling so guilty of myself. Why am I creating so many problems to the family? Why am I here to suffer all this, making others to suffer with me too? Is this what my life is all about? Why am I waking up every day in the morning? What is the purpose of my life? … … There is simply infinite “why” I desire to question. Why did not I die as an infant? At least I will not have to be troubled in the means of going up to the heaven. Perhaps I will not go up to heaven, maybe I will be simply banished to hell? Worse, I may not even belong to these two places. I belong to nowhere. Maybe this explains why I do not feel a sense of belonging at all. It is really pathetic to see how I keep trying to hold onto something that I know is never coming back. My weakness is I care to much.

-siqi

silly people do silly things.

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Saturday, June 28, 2008 4:33 PM ♥

I have just woke up from my dream. Sadly, this is not a good dream either. However, it is preferably better than reality. This reminded me of an episode in the American television series "Supernatural". But as compared to that, my dream is still filled with disappointment. I often heard people saying that dreams oppose the reality, so, it can be both good and bad for me. I have missed my church service today again. Do not try asking me "why?" because i will not answer the question to anyone. Pardon me for being rude, i have my own difficulties. As what i have said before, i am still not ready to go back yet. Perhaps, people may think that i am still running away from problems. But tell you what, it is true. I am indeed still trying to run away from problems, i still do not have the courage to face all this problem. Maybe i am just wasting my life away.

-siqi

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3:57 AM ♥

Now is merely 4 plus (4.11am) in the morning, and there i am staring at the laptop screen. I felt a strong burden in my heart that makes me feel terrible right now. What i long for is that the darkness in the night can quickly fade away, let the morning sun rises from the east, let me enjoy the new beginning. I have just finished doing my quiet time, done with my planning and stuff like that. Now i am pretty lost in what to do while waiting for the sun to rise. I have been tossing myself again and again, but i still did not fall asleep. Maybe i am too caught up in my thinking? I have been over-used my brain. My thinking went lost control again!

-siqi

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Friday, June 27, 2008 9:46 AM ♥

TRUST. What is trust? It is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, strength, or truth of someone or somthing. Trust does not need to involve belief in the good character, vices, or morals of the other party. Trust is a prediction of reliance on an action, based on what a party knows about the other party. Trust is also a measure of belief in the honesty, benevolence and competence of the other party. Based on the most recent research, a failure in trust may be forgiven more easily if it is interpreted as a failure of competence rather than a lack of benevolence or honesty.
Basically, it is rather difficult for me to develop trust in people. In this world, i truly trusted 3 person only. These 3 person are worth me dying, worth me sacrificing for. I appreciate them a lot. Sadly, i find that trusting people is getting harder and harder each day. And now, i do not even trust myself. As what i will say, when the time ripes, i will be back again.

-siqi

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Thursday, June 26, 2008 11:53 PM ♥

Finally, 3rd of July is approaching, it is only like next thursday? At least, for i have waited since the start of the holiday, i can go seek help from the professionals. My appointment is like damn early in the morning at Alexander hospital. This is really like so far away from home. But fortunately, my father is going with him, he can drive me there. Phew... ... i can wake up later then. In fact, i have no idea if the appointment is for counselling or what, heck care then! I do hope that they can prescribe me with some medications, at least it can help me to control myself better. Hmm... ... really looking forward to the day.

I have my dinner 'aka' shepherding with Nicole at Tampines Mall "PastaMania". Hmm... ... perhaps i should not eat at "PastaMania" anymore. I find myself puking everytime i went to eat there. I guess the food is simply too oily for me, my stomach cannot take it. The shepherding was pretty free and relax. It is more like chatting other than taking out pen and paper to write the teachings. Hmm... ... i do enjoyed that. I do realised that the main cause of my problems is due to being insecure. Nicole is simply 'digging' everything of me but prompting me with lots of 'why?'. I was flooded by a lot of 'why?'. I know that she is doing this for my own good, i appreciate what she has done. Thanks shepherd! I guess the time has not come yet, i am still not ready to change. As i always like to say "Human do not like to change", this is really true. Changing ourselves is difficult, we are simply way to use to the way we are. I guess i am still not dependent on God yet,the reason is because human strength is insufficient to make the changes. But, i have been running away from my problems from a long time, i have no intentions to face it now. I have no confidence and courage to do that, i do not believe that i can change. Leopard cannot change its spot right? Perhaps, i just wish to continue running away from all my problems and leading a 'stress free' life for the time being. I shall enjoy the days i have... ...

-siqi
i have broken another promise,
sorry

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12:07 PM ♥

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008 8:17 PM ♥

Today is a wonderful day for me! Not only that i do not have to attend school, but also sleeping to my fill. Actually, i planned to 'mug' my H2 mathematics yesterday, but unfortunately, i dozed off while i was doing question 4 of graphing technique. Working on mathematics really put me into sleep. I hate mathematics, mathematics hate me too. My mathematics tuition today was alright, i can do most the questions given to me, lesser brain cells died today. As every day goes by, i can see that my brain is getting more and more valuable. My brain worth more now because i am using lesser of my brain everyday. Thus, anyone who pays for my brain can save up the cost of sending it for brainwash. Hmm... ... the memory space of my brain is more than enough, it is not neccessary to upgrade the memory card. Ok... ... it sounds silly.

I have been developing a new habit lately... ..., in fact, it does not worth mentioning. Anyway, i am just being random. I do realised that i am eating quite a lot these days. In the past, i will feel bloated after having a fish fillet extra value meal at McDonald. But now, i can finish fish fillet extra value meal with upsize and some apple pies or ice-creams. I simply get hungry easily. Even though i have finished my dinner at around 6.45pm at tampinse S21 foodcourt with one bowl of 'minced meat noodle', one cup of 'lemon tea' and one 'peanut and cheese pancake', yet i am getting hungry again. I really crave for a bowl of instant noodle, how i hope that it can drop from the sky! As many may not know, i do not get to eat instant noodle often. I can eat instant noodle maybe during the weekend, if i am lucky? My parents simply do not allow me to cook, not that i will burn the whole kitchen, but they find it too troublesome to cook, and also because that instant noodle is pretty unhealthy. So, it is harder for me to eat a bowl of cooked instant noodle than anything else. Thus, when someone cooked for me a bowl of instant noodle, i will be damn happy about it. So, please do not be puzzled if you see me getting happy over a bowl of instant noodle!

-siqi

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11:39 AM ♥

met God today !!!
had a msn chat with God today on my way home
not literally talking to him, but through the mind linking

siqin: God, what have i done wrong? are you punishing me for not studying so you are not blessing me in my study? i surrender everything to you le

God: i do bless you in your studies, just that you have high expectation for yourself.
like today, you pray to me that you will have time to study for the last few chapters and you did you forget to bring your notes i bless you , your friend happen to bring it

siqin: God, then why is my studies so lousy? i used to be the top few students in my sec school when i did not know you?
by doing so, i may backslide you know

God: but you didn't, did you?
surrendering to God is not just saying, " God here's my everything" then just give me your life
it is also about depending on me
in the name of Jesus, you will lose everything you have
your friends, relationship, studies, . . . . . .
all of them

siqin: God, i don't want to lose them all
especailly my studies, i spend many years on it
i want to be the top

God: see, you are not surrendering your studies completely
you will lose all these things because those are what you have obtain through your your own mean
all of these will come to past
however, when you surrender all these aspect to me i will bless you with even more things that can last for eternity
you will regain everything you have lost again in my name
but they will be much deeper in depth, greater in size

siqin: God, then can you please tell me what i should do?

God: stop being so lazy and put down your pride
be humble
you don't do well in you chemistry & physic because deep down in your heart you believe that you are very good in it because of your O-levels
you receive a lot of priases from people around you and you began to be slack
you thought you will always be the best

on the other hand
when you put down your pride, not studying because of wanting to gain any fame
but for me and also to purse knowledge
you will regain the desire to learn and eventually you will do well
learn to manage your time, don't think you can always manage it because you are able to in the past year

siqin: God, i m ready to do so
in your name, i want to be someone of strong faith and impact others

God also speak to me in Galatians 5:17

Application:
What i will do:
1) Stop slacking and start cracking
2)study for God
study because i want to gain knowledge, it is my passion
3)stop comparing and think you are always better than others

God also told me about one area that i must learn to overcome
that is " learn how to fall"
He was telling me that all these while i m always winning
i never fall that's why i must learn to do so in the KOG
He told me that only when i learn how to fall will i learn how to win

that's hard for me but i can really see God's word stirring my heart
no more slacking and back to be a mugger again
but this time as a
Christian + Mugger

Amen~


no more posting for me then
shall focus on my studies
and blog only in the weekend =)
siqin

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008 11:57 PM ♥

I am feeling rather happy now, even though i just cried just now. I am growing more like a cry baby each day, NO, is crying panda. To summarise the experiences that i have went through since monday till now, the most appropriate word would be 'screwed'. Basically, i have no idea what i was writing most of the time during the examinations. I totally messed up my H2 biology today, i was already feeling like sleeping after an hour has passed. ( the biology paper lasted for 2h30min) My mind seems to went blank whenever i sit for examinations, perhaps i was too nervous or something like that? After all, it is only the H2 mathematic paper that i am left with. Fortunately, there is still sufficient time for me to slack for the time being. Today after the biology paper, i went out with some of the girls in our class to eat at KFC. Actually, me and wendy was craving for Korean food instead, but the majority wanted KFC. Too bad for us. But that was alright, it has been quite some time since i went out with these classmates. After the meal, we went to shop around at tampines mall. Oh my god! MANGO is having a sale! I cannot wait to shop for more clothes.

Hmm... ... i feel that i am getting better these days, at least i see a bit (0.00001%) improvement. The improvement may seems insignificant, but the accumulation throughout the days will not be the same. Anyway, i feel that my passion for studying has gone down. I used to enjoy going to school, but now, i dislike attending school. Waking up on the early morning simply just shorten my life day by day, it is killing me! Day by day, i become more like a panda. A panda in TPJC?

-siqi

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Monday, June 23, 2008 6:56 PM ♥

reply to tags

yenlin: thx for ur concern, i ll cheer up de =)

xinyi: i ll de, thx for been there all the while ^^

shih ching: i won't do tat de lahx hahx =) just tat i m vry confused

hcevil: i ll try my best to do so

passerby: thx, i noe God has bless mii alot

my CHEMISTRY PAPER is like _______
cannot do well le
i like blank a lot of Qn liddat
pissed off with myself ~

have not finish mugging physic so going to really chiong for it ltr le
no more of watching tv programme except for one show at nite
so i ll have to cut down on the time for blogging & all other things
i dun wan to panic about not having finish studying anymore
this is so damn _______
i want to do well in all my subjects- including my GP
must be a history-maker again !!!! =)
not doing well now but will con't to jy de


i can be playful at time
but when it comes to studies
i m 100% serious
i want study hard from now on, no more slacking


siqin

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4:55 PM ♥

Finally, both H1 chinese and H2 chemistry papers were down. And of course, i screwed both papers. But at least i have already put in my best for the papers, i have no regrets. Recently, i have this bad feeling that i will return to my old-self again. Looking back, i feel that i am doing worse in college than in secondary school. I used to believe that friends are the main source of influence in my life. ( i mean in the bad way) However, that is not true. Even though my friends in college are those good students , i am still not getting any better than before. I thought that if i do not befriend with the 'bad companies' , i will be able to become a good person. But so what if the friends around me are all the 'good companies', why did i still fall into the pit? As the feeling grew stronger day by day, i am very worried that one day, what i have expected would come true. I have more bad habits than before, being more problematic than before, emo more often than before... ...simply, worse than before. I am more like a loser in life, a failure in life... ... everything just do not goes by the way i desire.

you are someone whom i trusted a lot... ... you are someone whom i can open up my heart and share my thoughts with you... ... i really apprecaite the things that you have done for me... ... without you, i would have already vanished from this world... ... i am really grateful to you for being so frank with me ( although sometimes it hurts a lot)... ... you knocked the sense out of me and made me face the reality... ... how i really really wish that i can give you a hug and thank you face to face... ...i am so touched by the things you have done. But you always look so fierce to me, i don't dare to... ...

-qi
i must honour my promise

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Sunday, June 22, 2008 11:12 PM ♥

Tomorrow will be the most terrible day that i have to go through. I simply have no idea how to write a chinese essay. Paper 2 for H1 chinese is still alright for me, but for paper 1, i totally suck. H2 chemistry is also tomorrow, but i know that at least i am more well prepared for that. Frankly, what awaits me tomorrow is nothing, but failure. I know that we have a month to prepare ourselves during the holidays, but i simply screw it up. My life was in a terrible mess during the first week, i completely screwed it up. I only attended one day of make-up lecture and that is it. I am all on my own. During the second week, i was still trying to make my life goes back to normal, things go up and down again. In other words, the second week was also wasted away. During the third week, i went for the OASIS camp that lasted for 4days 3 nights. So, my week was then occupied with a lot of holy things and stuff like that. And the last week of holidays came. It was the available time left for me to study for the rest of the subjects. True enough, one week is only not sufficient for me to prepare for my mid-years. I simply do not have the time to finish everything. I am in a dead meat. Someone please, kill me! My life was simply caught up with lots of things that have changed me from head to toes. I know that the way i am going to lead my life now is going to be completely different from what i used to be before the holidays. What i experience during the holidays simply shape me to become a different person, may be good or bad. My weakness is that i simply care too much.

-siqi
i am such a failure

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3:05 AM ♥

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12:46 AM ♥

I totally agreed that today's generation is an 'emo generation'. Basically, i feel that i am just one of them, an 'emo kid'. My emotions simply overwhelm me, i lost control of my life and everything. My weakness is that i simply care too much, but that is completely different from being an attention seeker. I am not an attention seeker. Sometimes people just run away to see if anyone cares enough to run after them. I feel like I'm facing everything all by myself with nothing, but with fake smiles and hidden tears. It is really pathetic to see how I keep trying to hold on to something that I know is never coming back.

In fact, i have not been myself for the past two days, i think i just wasted most of my time not studying for the exams. I am just so caught up in my own world, enjoying the things i like to do. Basically, just forget about my studies, and whatever which are bothering me. Maybe this is what life should be all about. I am completely sick of leading my life this way. Why do i have to be so caught up with so many problems in my life. Another problem arises before i can solve the one before, i am being flooded with lots of problems. I am seriously not that capable enough to overcome everything on my own. That is sick! I am trying to lead my life different from the one that i am living before the time 1.19pm (today's time). I have no idea how would it be like, but i know that it would not be easy.

-siqi
trying to keep myself sober up...

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Saturday, June 21, 2008 2:57 PM ♥

was not myself today . . .

emo-ing becuz of some stuff
sick and tired of facing those problem on my own
i m tired of it arh !!!!!
was overwhelm bt the evil spirit
it keep on talking to mii
about how i should leave the KOG becuz the other side ll provide mii strength
it was like telling mii
" you manage to succeed on ur own last time, u can do it again "
those who know mii well ll noe that i m still not very okay now
really nid a lot of advice and concern from pp becuz i alone cannot do much
damn hurt and my wound still not recover fully yet
lotts of things for mii to manage
i really hate the feeling of being alone
sometimes i wonder why do i ve to meet the needs of others when nobody meet mine
and in turn i always get hurt by pp whom i m trying to help
really like hao xin mei hao bao liddat
it was telling mii how stupid i was to give up pp who has been the one caring for mii
and choose another group of pp who dun even seem to noe that i nid pp's help
is this really what God plan for mii ??
i admit that i fall for it and i really doubt God and everything
i rmbr how i told God that i hate him becuz he make mii lose everything i had
once i put in all my effort to achieve
i began to regret about the walk with God becuz he only make mii suffer
my life is no better like hell
some pp claim to be there for mii, but are they really there??
i m kind of tired of hearing all those craps when no actions are done
i want to be who i m , not like now
i dun even noe who i m now
trust mii, one more attack from the evil spirit and i ll really fall
i now understand why some pp like hear emo song because it really describe how horrible life is
and why many frienzs of mine are anti-christians

i hatez myself and the choices i have made
i m in a deep trouble rite now
some many things undone
i have not even finish studying of my mid year
THIS IS NOT MII AND I DUN WAN TO BE LIDDAT
THIS IS NOT SIQIN !!!!!!

pissed off with my life

siqin

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Friday, June 20, 2008 12:40 PM ♥

Yesterday, my heart was filled with joy, disappointment, anger and hurt. I was really glad that both joanne and wei jie went for our study care group. I am happy that joanne is able to connect well with the care group, and able to enjoy herself in the care group. I am happy for her! However, at the other end, i felt disappointed. I was disappointed with myself that i was not being a good host to my visitor. In fact, those who really went to talk to him were only me and Kim. Even though he shows that he did not mind about that, but i feel very bad from the bottom from my heart. He lived so far away from Tampines that he have to take an hour to travel here from home, i simply just wasted his time. But, i was still very happy that he came. Sadly, he seems to be overwhelm by the things that happened yesterday. The care group speaking in tongues during praise and worship, and also the conversation with Kim. I think Kim just bombed him with too many things, he was simply in confusion. Really sorry about that! I am angry with myself that i did not really prepared him well before he joined us for care group. I can tell that he came unprepared. I am angry with myself that i did nothing to help him to get connected with the people. I brought him there, yet i think not played my part. I am totally in wrong, i am at fault. Perhaps i am not ready for all this yet? I was totally upset by this issue after i received the feedback from him. I totally lost my appetite for dinner.So, i did not spoke much, i was pretty quiet yesterday. In fact, i was emo-ing. After the dinner, i went off first without the group. I was trying to straighten my thoughts, my emotion simply overwhelm me.

Fortunately, i manged to straighten out my thoughts and came out with a decision before i reached home. The decision really made me felt relieved like never before, i was feeling great. At the late of the night, i found myself chatting online with the shepherds. I was chatting with cai juan, my ex shepherd; another hand, my shepherd, nicole; and then Kim, my shepherd's shepherd. What a coincidence? Seriously, i cannot help it, but the truth do hurts alot. I mean a lot! OUCH! I understand that people are just trying to help me, but in the end, i am still the one who can really save myself.

-siqi

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Thursday, June 19, 2008 1:06 AM ♥

Double post on the same day usually means that there is something important that i want to share. But as for now, it is not about something important or whatever. I have just did some reflection, and i merely wanted to share. My sharing has simply no offense to anyone!

To be honest, i used to be a cheerful person in the past, i do not emo like what i do now. Perhaps when people grew up, people began to be more mature of their thinking, this is the time when troubles pour in. However for my case, it does not seems so. There are many regrets i had in my life, one of them is that i did not cherished Cai Juan as my shepherd in the past. In the past, i have a very poor attitude to my shepherd, Cai Juan (ex-shepherd). But she always seems to tolerate my rubbish again and again. Perhaps being classmates and C.O mates from Secondary one to four, in addition of having the same age, we are much closer that i can really feel free to share my feelings with her. I really miss those time! I remember that i used to reject her again and again when she invited me for service, i am feeling pretty bad even after now. Even though i was her 'sheep' only for a short while, but i really appreciate her alot. I was really so keen to meet her after the IMMERSE concert when i knew she was coming. She was the one who never gave up on me... ... she introuduce the best GOD to me. I really thank her a lot for what she used to do for me in the past!

I san still remeber the first night in the OASIS camp, while the others were asleep, i ran out of the room and sat on the stairs near our room. I was holding a pen by my left hand, and a notebook by my right hand, but no words seem to be written. At that moment, i really hope that there was someone who i can really talked to. In fact, i was really desperate to talk to someone. But who? I can only write out what i could have possibly said down the notebook, hoping that GOD can understand the way i felt. Seriously, the feeling was terrible. I suffered from this problem almost every night... ...

Maybe i am still not quite know my current shepherd, Nicole, so well yet. It is really quite hard for me to get into the details like that. I am not someone who can reveal myself to the others easily. Only those who won my trust allow me to share with them more easily.

Haiz... ...

-siqi

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12:07 AM ♥

I am really glad that i have finally finished my revision for chemistry! At least one subject is down, 3 more to go then! I went back to EVSS C.O again today! Actually i was not doing anything much either, i merely accompanied siqin down because she wanted to practised some of her song piece. Basically, we wasted most of our time because of that troublesome security guard uncles. They simply do not allowed siqin and chin leong in, we were so pissed off. In fact, siqin wanted to tell the uncles that her photo is just right outside the school, at the poster. ( Her photo is up there because she is one of the two top scholar in 'o' level in EVSS) Anyway, our C.O instructor managed to get us in easily. Till now, i still cannot believe that the C.O in EVSS is worse than in TPJC. I simply cannot find any spare 'er hu' which is in good condition. This is worse than i ever imagine! I really want to thank Xinyi for her present. I really love the panda she bought for us in China! By the way, i love PANDA not because i love myself! Ruiling was asking me, " Why did you bought a statue of yourself?". I was simply stunned. How did my REAL identity got leaked out? Just kidding! Who do not know that i was the one who got myself this nickname? All thanks to the bottle of bitter lemon! Now, i am also as bitter as the lemon. I am called PANDA / _ _ _ _ _ _ PANDA. Sometimes called by Bryan _ _ _- _ _ _ ( i shall not exposed myself). Actually, i do not really mind being called all this nicknames. If i can bring fun and joy to the people around me, why not? I have tried not to think so much nowadays, just to let my life as simple as possible. I really do not want to make my life so complicated with lots of extreme thoughts. Let a day be a day... ... With all my heart, i just want to serve GOD faithfully. I want to accomplish the CG challenge, CG08 and the GREAT COMMISSION! With the strength from GOD, nothing is impossible!


GOD... ... when i am alone, you accompanied me ... ... when i am lost, you lead my way... ... when i am sad, you comforted me... ... when i am pouring out my woes, you are there to be my listening ear... ... when everybody ignores me, you stood there for me... ... i am really touched by your love for me! I backslided once and hurt your heart, but you chose to forgive and acknowledge me. I once hated you so much, but you still continue to love me. Your amazing love for me really touched the bottom of my heart... ... GOD, i am left with nothing, but you! You are my everything to me! Deep within me, i knew that what i used to possess were gone, everythings gone! I lost my smile, laughter, frienship, kinship and everything... ... everything is no longer the same. I can feel the change... ... i am no longer what i used to be... ... someone who was used to be a happy-go-lucky person... ...someone who would carry a smile on the face... ... someone who tries to bring joy and laughter to people... ...

-siqi
i have lost the trust in people...
who can i turn to...

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008 12:18 PM ♥

I have just encountered something creepy yesterday... ... nearly scare out my soul!
While i was happily praying to GOD after my quiet time, something strange happened! I did my quiet time yesterday at around 12 pm plus, reading Matthew chapter 5 to 9. While i was reading, i simply put on my earpiece and listened to the praise and worship songs through my mp3. After my quiet time, i off my mp3 with the earpiece in my ear, i prayed. I confessed my sins to GOD, that i will listen and obey to his command like the centurion in Matthew chapter 8: 5 onwards. I will always have great faith in HIM. If he said "Go!" like in Matthew chapter 8: 13, i will listen and obey to his command. Just then, i heard some noise coming from my earpiece. I was shocked! Where on Earth did the sound came from? All the windows and door in the living are shut, my father was sleeping in the room, my mother using the toilet in the room, siqin studying in the room with the door shut, i am alone in the living room. I almost freak out, who could it be? I recalled that the noise i heard seems like someone panting. Oh my! Could it be the devil? Could it be my imagination? I tried not to think so much, but i cannot help it that my imagination ran wild. Instantly, i stood up and prayed with faith, " In the name of JESUS, all evil spirits GO AWAY!". At that moment i prayed, my fear went away. I was astonished by the power of our mighty Lord! And i felt that the evil spirit has went away. I was relieved. For the second time, the evil spirit came back again. While i was trying to get to sleep, i felt something kept on poking me. I was damn irritated! I prayed again, " In the name of JESUS, all evil spirit GO AWAY!!". The spirit then seems to left me. I was then able to get into sleep... ...

Recalling the whole incident, i was wondering if that was a evil spirit anyway. But whatever! At least this incident made me realised how powerful is our mighty Lord, i did not used to believe in this. I thought this was just pure imagination. But after yesterday, everything proves me wrong. Experiencing it once is enough... ...evil spirit! Just leave me alone!

-siqi
why am i the one going through the tough times? -perplex

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1:10 AM ♥

I have been staying up late to do up my revision, but not for the sake of hardworking. I am left with less than a week to finish what has been taught since the school term has started, 4 exams are just around the corner. I am simply caught up in a deep shit. In fact, finishing my revision in less than a week seems really impossible for me, but studying for GOD, everything is possible! I am feel very tired 'mugging' till the late night, but reading GOD'S words simply refreshed me. I am ready to go again! That is my tip of staying refreshed even at the late of the night. I am super looking forward to the coming care group on thursday! I really look forward that Joanne is joining us for our study care group! YUP! And a visitor too... ...
My life has been going back to normal now, after emo-ing for a few days. Now, i really do not have the time to bother if i am emo-ing, 'mugging' is my piority. I am left with less than a week to 'DOOM's DAY', i better enjoy the time i have now. I will not regret about anything if i fail my exams this time. At least i have tried my best, as many would have said. I never regretted about not studying during the OASIS camp! OASIS camp is the VERY camp that let me feel GOD's presence. Wooo....

-siqi
i am a panda, you can save the 'kung fu' in front!

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008 11:51 PM ♥

i m getting better now, much better
maybe because i m quite busy with my study recently
still mugging for my Mid-year
cause i have not finish studying for it
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS
A KIA-SU GIRL LIKE MII STILL HAVE NOT FINISH STUDYING???!!!
i m really depending on God this time
because i have surernder EVERYTHING to him
trust mii when i say everything
including my study which i have been holding on for years
with God's help
i can do well !!!
even if not, i ll con't to work hard because all good grade come with hard work
like what i did when in sec sch
i mug for 2 years to obtain my result
i will do so again even if it really meant HARD WORK
lotts of up & down recently & i somehow lose my focus
but i m back with my ' focus lens'
not forsaking my walk with God again because HE is the first !!!!
i really have the feeling that God is coming down soon
IT IS GOING TO BE IN OUR GENERATION !!!!!!!!
the holy spirit have been prompting mii about this ever since Kim mention during the first night of the camp
the holy spirit remind mii about this everyday, every single day
so i must really share christ to them because i don't want to see them suffer at the hands of the evil
TIME IS RUNNING OUT !!!!!

siqin will jyjyjyjyjyjyjy

Formaula of Success:

siqin's 100% hardwork + God's 100% = Do Well for Exam !!!! =)


trust in the Lord,
and He can do miracles =)


siqin

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1:37 PM ♥

SERIOUSLY, something has to be done to save the moon bears in China. Moon Bears have been killed for their gall bladders for 1,000s of years, but it is only in the past 20 years that countries in Asia began to search for an alternative to taking an animal from the wild and killing it. Bears are the only mammals to produce significant amounts of the bile acid - ursodeoxycholic acid (UDCA), which has been used in Traditional Medicine for approximately 3,000 years. Whilst studies have shown it to be effective, today Chinese doctors agree that it can easily be replaced by herbal and synthetic alternatives which are cheaper, more effective and more readily available. Of the 8 species of bears in the world, all except the giant panda have seen their numbers reduced as a result of the bear bile trade.


Ever since i watched this show "Find me a Singaporean 2" from channel U on this Singaporean guy working in an organisation to save the moon bear in China, i am motivated to be like him. But how could simply a television programme change the my goal on life? This may sound entirely stupid, but it is true! In fact, i almost cried while watching the programme. I was extremely sad to see how the moon bears are tortured, how they are being traumatised. It is so cruel! Why do the chinese have to use bear bile for medicine? Why? How many thousands of bears would have to die for that? I simply felt sorry for them, i simply felt useless that i cannot do anything to help them. My strength is limited, but with the help of everyone, everything is possible! I really urged that people can simply think for the moon bears which are suffering right now! Could they use other alternative medicine instead?

I aimed to become a surgeon! NOT for human, but for bears! I want to work in China and save more moon bears from the bile farms for the rest of my life. People may laughed at me, thinking that that is a job without a bright future. But who cares! At least this is an aim that i can make it possible, an aim that i am really proud of. Not to mention that i also want to be a church planter, to plant a church in China! Maybe i can get to share Christ with the moon bears there... ...crap.

-siqi
i must force myself to study biology!

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Monday, June 16, 2008 3:19 PM ♥

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1:31 AM ♥

random pic(S) upload:

taken from cai xuan's blog

group photo

after saturday service, went eat jap. food

we enjoyed ourselves, really

took this during the last day of camp

the ambulance really look nice, isn't it

took without us noticing

it was melvin's b'dea

happy belated birthday to him

wei en

the teddy bear

after the VEOH

puiwah is so good in her acting

woah . . .

hazel took this

taken by mii

i never fail to take my own zhi lian photo de

puiwah & siqin

bernadette & siqin

nicole & joyce

vincent

my 'twin' sista

siqin & shih ching

this is where we have our meal

splendid rite

siqin & zoelyn

siqin

siqin
siqin in her room

siqin & jingjing

siqin with zoelyn again

eating mac together in the middle of the nite

went for 406 bbq on friday

xinrui, cai juan & xue er

xue er & cai juan

xue er & siqin

xue er & siqin again

went celebrate Father's Day today

ate pizza hut

Daddy

Happy Father's Day !!!

pizza taste really good

sorrie for makeing shih ching cry today with my blog post

really appreciate her sharing & encouragements

sorrie for making so many pp worrying about mii

i really see how luckly i m to have so many pp to care for mii

i promise i won't have any weird or funny thoughts again

i ll really try to harden my heart so that i will not change my mind again

i promise i ll try ok

but i hope pp can understand that i nid time to do it becuz i still can't get over it yet

i m still full with cuts and guilt

guilt still overwhelm mii , i m a guilty person

i noe i cannot afford to fall becuz there are still alot of things for mii to do

i nid to ensure that my family will be able to regain peace again

i have to help siqi overcum her problem . . .

but sometimes i ll just cry suddenly

as a form of releasing my unhappiness that i have at that moment

because sometimes the pain i feel is too much for mii to bear

perhaps time is the only thing that can help mii heal my wound

but i m sure of one thing

i will never forgive myself for this

siqin

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Sunday, June 15, 2008 10:07 PM ♥

I thought that everything would be alright after the OASIS camp, but i was so wrong. I am growing worse lately. I have been trying to remove all the negative thoughts that have been running through my head last time, but some of them seems to be coming back to me. I have been very short and hot tempered recently, i have been throwing my temper frequently at home. Seriously, i really cannot help it. There has been many things that i am struggling now with, but i simply cannot share it with the people around me. These are the things that i am really not proud of. My family has been trying to tolerate me, but i know that it may not last long. I know that what i am now has cause a lot of problem to them, affecting them a lot. But what can i do? I simply loss control of myself. I want to change, but how?

I have been emo-ing recently, back to my usual self. I thought through quite a lot yesterday, when i was on the train heading from somerset to tampines. Basically, i know that the feeling which forces me to leave East E few years ago is back. All of a sudden, i no longer feel the sense of belonging. I hate to have this feeling, but i cannot help it. I have been trying to convince myself that i was wrong, but am i? I thought through about the things that have been happening in the OASIS camp, guess what? I confirm that my thinking was right. In fact, i find it ironic that i am living for the sake of the people, yet i am hurt by them. I am feeling this way because of the people, am i wrong to feel this way? I believe that all this is going to make my life miserable. I guess i should just continue to live in my own world, perhaps isolation could prevent me from being hurt by the people around me. I do not want to cry in the dark again... ...i am sick of it

I am not a good christian. I have been bringing a lot of problems to trouble the people around me. First is this, second is that,... ... I really find myself annoying to trouble the others. I have been adding more problems to the family, care group,... ... I have not been contributing to the care group even though i have the heart to do so. I have promised to a lot of people about certain things, but i did not keep my word. I am not trustworthy at all. In fact, i am nothing. This is not self-pity or whatever, i am merely stating the fact. I want to be honest to myself.

I really enjoyed listening to the song "welcome to my life" by Simple plan. Basically, it is quite an old song, but this is the song that can describe my feeling now.

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1:57 PM ♥

just now i was feeling so happy not i m feeling down again
i was thinking out of stepping out from the protection zone people have been giving mii all the while
i m a weak person
and maybe becuz of this reason
i receive a lot of protection from pp
whether is from aiyo family who stood by mii all the while
or cai juan who has been my listening ear and to give mii advice
some fellow frienz of tpjc who help mii a lot
as my listening ear and really good frienz like my darlinx & some co frienz
i wanted to face all this problems on my own
to learn how to stand independently
but . . .
suddenly
i feel like giving up again
siqi was throwing her temper again
cuz didn have enough time to complete her tution hw
showing her attidue
and i have to bear with it??
when have i not done so
i always give in
say nothing
try to help her if i can
or just try to stop the quarrel
especailly when today is Father's Day
suddenly i feel that what ruwan say is quite true sometimes
emo-ing
why must i always give in to her??
i have been doing so all these while but why m i always ask to change for the sake of her???
why must i compromise her??
because she is down during this period of time??
what about mii?? i m down too !!! yet i m facing all this on my own with the advice given
who is there to give in to mii
i m aready so damn hurt and i have to take in all her attidue
it is damn horrible becuz i canot even express my thoughts
i have to accomodate others
but i m left all alone to face my own problem
i m feeling damn hurt yet i have to con't maintaining the peace in the family
i really feel like going back to who i m in the past
at least the pp i noe truly noe mii
they noe what i feel and think without mii having to say
they noe how hurt i m though i always try to pretend i m ok
but pp i noe nw especailly pp from the church dun seem to noe mii that well
other than cai juan
sometimes the things they say can really increase the burden causing mii to emo more
i m wondering if i shld give up everything for God now
why are the pp who are helping mii are the people from my past, other than aiyo family
so sorry cai juan, i don't think i can con't to stay strong in the Lord anymore
i m thinking of backing out le
because like what i told u earlier
my emotion is like a roller coaster ride
but each down getting down more than up
i don't want to face this alone anymore
though i m quiet and behave normally
but deep down i m still not ok, i guess u can see that

siqin

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12:08 AM ♥

went early to meet nicole
was late becuz of _________________

went service emo-ing
ran to the toliet again, those who noe mii well enough ll noe the reason
i cried again despite warning myself lotts of time not to
i m really hurt to the core
so hurt that i doubt my ability to take it
or will i cut myself again
i wanted to cut myself though others may find it foolish
mii too find it foolish
but when pp get so damn upset
they can do anything
buti didn went off but choose to go for service
nicole sms mii abbt it and i feel that i shld really go sevice so that God can speak to mii
i told cai juan abt it oso
i guess cai juan is the only one who understand the situation most nw
becuz she is my ex-shepherd, more than 2 yrs of friendship as classmate, cg mate, co mate & also aiyo family gang
other than her i realli dunno who to approach to pour out my feelings
god touches mii during services

after service went for dinner with cg mate first
then meet cai juan to talk to her
thank lotts cai juan, u r realli a wonderful friend of mine

i dunno why
but my emotion is like a roller coaster ride
sometimes i feel that wat i m suffering nw is worth it becuz God is the one that i should focus on
sometimes my emotion just overwhelm mii and i strt to cry
i love him a lot and i dun wan to give this relationship up
but . . .

thank ruwan for ur advice too
xinyi & xue er for ur concern
seriouls i really feel like ending my life becuz i really cannot take this anymore
the pain is too overwhelming
and God doesn't seem to take it away
i feel so damn lonely
becuz something that is impt is taken away from my life
suddenly i wonder about my life
is this the kind of life i want etc.
lotts of thoughts
different everytime
i dun seem to be able to take it anymore le
i hatez myself !!!!

siqin

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Saturday, June 14, 2008 10:55 AM ♥

After a very good night sleep, finally my brain can go back to normal. I was so tired yesterday, i have to get off from sleep at 7+am because i am having tuition at 8am. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier. I want to hibernate! But anyway, my wish was granted. I slept from 8pm all the way to 10.30am. The feeling of being refreshed was great! I am ready to go again!

Personally, i felt that i have been growing a lot ( maybe not a lot). After overcoming my problems which have almost killed me, my thinkings mature a lot. There will always be a rainbow after the storm! I feel that the change in me can be an inspiring story, to save more souls, knowing about Jesus! I used to be someone who has low self esteem, i lead a meaningless life without knowing what i really want. But during the camp, God changed me. I am now filled with confidence and also leading my life with a big dream. I dare to dream big! I want to build a church in China! In fact, everyone can really be like me. It is the choice that makes a difference... ...

To be honest, i intended to commit suicide. At that time, i was dwelling in self-pity. I though that the world hates me, there was no solution on Earth that can solve my problem, i was all alone by myself. BUT I WAS SO WRONG! God is always there for me, God is always beside me, i chose to ignore him. I chose to magnify my problem so big, thinking that God cannot help me. I chose to believe that knowing God was a mistake, he brings misery into my life. ALL THIS WERE VERY WRONG! God has a plan for everyone. God let me grow a lot physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is a test for me by God. I am now more commited and have more faith on God, i am an overcomer.

With the limited time i have now ( to rush to somerset), i guess i have to end off now. Exams are coming round the corner...oh crap!

-siqi

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Friday, June 13, 2008 3:46 PM ♥

I want to make this post a very special one, an inspiring one that can encourage me, like what God did. As many can see, i am feeling very down lately. But after the OASIS camp, everything changed. I am feeling very refreshed now, a newborn person. This may sound ridiculous to many, but i can gurantee you that it is not. I should call that amazing! But before that, i am really desperate to share about the camp. This OASIS camp lasted from 9-12 June, a 4 days 3 nights camp. This is really special, 4days 3 nights? That sounds a bit unusual. But let me tell you first, this is going to be a very... ...very long post.

DAY 1
I met up with the care-grou(CG) members at downtown east Burger King at 12pm. I think it is really amazing that we took the same very bus 3 as Michelle. That is really cool! As the bus went past the bus-stop after TPJC, guess who we saw? No doubt, it is teddy bear, Wei en. I like to call him teddy bear because he really looks like one, very cute. Too bad, Wei en did not saw us and he took another bus instead. I thought that we were the latest to arrive there, but we were not. Cai Xuan was the first one to reach, followed by us. As the time flies, more people came. Initiatly, i thought that Siqin's bag was the biggest, but i was wrong! kim's one bigger. I felt quite wasted that i have forgotten to bring my camera, leaving many beautiful moments behind. We went to the ballroom and did our registration and stuff like that. The JC group was supposed to wear orange t-shirt as our identity, but i hate that colour really, too bright. I wore the orange t-shirt that i borrowed from Ryan, and i realised that me, Ryan and Bryan wore the same designed ones. That is really funny. So, it was time for Games #1. The game was held at Pasir Ris Park, where we have to teared each other newspaper which was tied to our back. That was supposed to be our lives, our mission was to search for the flags that each districts has to accomplished them. All the sweat and smell really worth it, it was a cool game. I managed to tear one person newspaper. Whoohoo... ...Then it was time for wash-up. My room-mates were me, Siqin, Nicole, Pui wah and Jasmine. Nice, we do not have to squeeze ourselves together. Everything was nice, the heater, air-con, except that we cannot use the TV. But that is really alright for me. We have a buffet kind of dinner just below the ballroom. Seriously, i do not understand why do they want to decorate it up to make it so classy. Unfortunately, i was not able to enjoy the meals everyday. I think the food there was really unsuitable for me, i threw uo after every meal. Never mind about that. The opening ceremony was nice, so were all the prayer meet, praise and worship. These days were really the time that i can fully enjoyed myself. Thank God for that! Every sermon seems to answer to my prayer, or taught me something. It really speaks to me, the answer that i long for. I guess that day was the first time i was so touched by God, i cried during alter call for the very first time! After everything, we went back to the chalet where all the girls in our CG did a deep sharing.( correct me if i am wrong) Erm... ... i cried. It was the first time i confessed myself to the whole CG, i was very emotional because it was one of my darkest secret. Shh... ... i am not telling anything here. Zzz.. i slept quite early during the first night.

DAY2
I woke up at 7am in the morning to do my wash up. In fact, i was tossing myself on the bed all the night, i cannot sleep well. Perhaps i was still not used to it. I managed to do a little studying, but what is the point of that anyway? By the way, i really discovered some of the sleeping habits that many people have. Haha... ... It was the first in my life time to see chicken wing for breakfast. No way for me, it is too greasy for me! I enjoyed quiet time when i earned myself a nickname " Kungfu Panda". Thanks Vincent for that... ... We have 2 sessions of Praise and worship in a day and that was so cool. I love it! We have " Very Exciting One Hor" programme where we have people acting. Pui wah, i enjoy your performance, good job! I thought that we could have our free time, but no, we do not have time for that. Day 2 praise and worship was really the day where i really met God, face to face. I asked God , " Why did you not answer my prayer? Are you giving me up?" God reply me, " Child, i am always beside you, but you chose to ignore my voice and turned away from me. You chose not to listen to me. But i challenge you! If you are willingly to make the first step to walk towards me, i shall take a thousand steps to come to you!" I was so touched that i cried. I am commited to change myself!

DAY3
I woke up late, at 7.45 am. I rushed to the toilet to do my was-up, and i was on time. Thank God for that! As usual, there were two sessions of praise and worship. We have games again, but the game we have made Siqin cried. She was 'chop' by someone on her neck. Ouch! Really thank Nicole and Joyce for helping her. I was feeling sick especially on that day. I was vomiting as usual after every meal, i felt very weak. We have our IMMERSE concert in the ballroom, that was so good! I totally enjoyed it! I jumped aroung like crazy! Together as a CG, we kneel down and prayed. This was the first time i did that! I was able to meet Cai Juan and so Mag after everything end. I was so glad that both of them were doing fine, it was a long time since i saw Mag. Hope to see her more often. I slept late on that day, i have my fillet o'fish! Whoohoo... ... but i vomited after that. YUCKS! Pui wah fell asleep at Kim's room and so, Sheeting and Kim went to sleep at our room instead. I was stunned when Nicole, Sheeting and Kim were playing on the bed. It looks so crazy to me! It shocked me!! Finally i got time to pluck in my mp3. Unfortunately, something went wrong ( i do not wish to tell), i prayed and cried. Then, i fell into a deep sleep after taking some Panadol.

DAY4
Woke up late again. I quickly washed up and packed all my things. We managed to packed up on time. Then, we went for breakfast. I drank a cup of soya bean and some herbal tea. It was really heaty after a few days in camp. It was then many things and programmes went on. After everything ended, the CG went to pasta mania to celebrate Melvin's birthday. Melvin is a really deep... deep thinker. A very deep person. I was impressed. I remebered the times that i used to read satanic bible, in some way, the content makes a lot of sense to me. I felt really uncomfortable after mouthful of my pasta, i threw up again. But this time, it was worse. I did it twice in a row, it was so painful and hurts a lot. We went to hang around at e-hub before we headed home.

I slept the whole day since i got back. Sadly, i have tuition so early today. It almost killed me. I remeber that during day 2, God gave me a vision. The vision was to set up a CG at EVSS, my ex-seconday school. I am really working towards it. My heart desire to be a CL, i want to start things small, but finshed as a church planter in China. I want to plant a Church in China to save more souls... ... i think that should be all about it.

-siqi

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