Saturday, May 31, 2008 10:14 PM ♥

THANK GOD FOR JOANNE! I am happy that there is one more people joining the family of YJCEA2! Rejoice! It is a moment of excitment where we are walking closer toward our goal. I admit that i have been putting my very best for this few weeks for the 'DIE HARD' operation. I will not regret even if the goal has not been met, at least i have put in my 100% in it.

There were only a few people staying after the dinner. Many of them went for the concert put up together by the TPJC band and guitar club, to support Amanda or their friends. Vincent went for VS concert while some went for usher meeting. So, there were less than 10 people who stayed behind. Thus, i went home quite early today as there was nothing for us to do.

As i was taking the train home myself, i make use of the time and though about many things. Perhaps i am considered a deep thinker who think alot. I really did changed alot over this period of time. Not only on the physical fact that i can eat a lot this days, but also in the way i think. I feel that all my negative thoughts are usually generated at night when i am alone. Why does it happens so? Why did some of my friends can to be so good to me, but later become so cold towards me? I do not understand. This world is just full with 'why?'. For now, at least one of my wishes was completed. I still have many more to go before i leave this world. Since i cannot assure that i can win the battle, i rather i give up now. I never take on a battle if i cannot confirm that i will win. Every second is precious to me, every second is a memory to me. Th memories of my classmates and c.o-mates were sufficient, now i just hope to spend more time with the CG members. From the time i set up my mind, i told myself that i do not want to die with regrets. Even though i see that help is already been sent to me, but how long can people help me? For once, for twice, not forever. I still have to overcome the problem myself. Why is the world so cruel? Why do i got depressed everytime? I guess this feeling is what other can feel it, i do not expect others to know. I put on a brave front everyday, mask my fear and loniless with jokes and laughter. I am not like that in the past! I used to be a happy person, i do not have any trouble which drives me nuts. My heart is locked, and the key to my heart is lost. I do not expected any answer by blogging all my problems, but at least i feel better. I never expect any attention from anyone. In my whole life, not many friends are really good to me, such as showing the care and concern; lending a helping hand when i am in need. If i can travel against the time to the past, i will never let this repeat, i will never make myself losing myself... ...

-qi
(i fear the dark)

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Friday, May 30, 2008 11:01 PM ♥

I HATE MYSELF FROM BEING SO WEAK!!!!!!!! My emotion goes up and down, like taking a roller coaster ride. I scream, i laughed, no control of my feelings. If my life is going to continue this way, i see no point. I do not understand why am i living for others? Already losing my control in my emotion, i am expected to give up more. I want to be in control of my life. I felt that i am just like a puppet, every of my movements are being control. What is liberty all about? Everyday is just fearful for me, i got to live under people's expectation of me. I have the sudden urge to run away from home. Not with any packing, but just with my wallet and my phone. I just want to run away with all the expectation, living a non-stressful life. I wan t to run away from the people i know, to an unfamiliar environment. I hate the truth, i hate the reality. Reality is always so hurtful.I hate myself from being a coward, a loser, i simply hate myself. I cried. I cried because i pity myself. Perhaps running away from the reality allow my wounds to recover, to be like myself. I used to put on a smile everyday when i woke up, but now, i no longer do that. It is sad for me to say that i have to cheer myself up. I shall hide myself from the world of lie, pain, fear... ... Perhaps my heart was once broken, shattered into thousand of pieces. I no longer can open up my heart to people around me. Maybe this is a fear that develop in me, i fear to get hurt again. What is really wrong with me?

-qi
(i need anti-depressant!)

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12:46 AM ♥

pic(s) in random:

despite much of the happening this post shall be about the happenings for today

i pon maths lecture today cause i overslept or should i say i refuse to wake up
i really hate the lecture it is just a copying session for me so i was thinking, as well i don't go even better but i suppose to have a consultation so went school once i woke up

had last minute physic tutorial rather than for pw so i pon the consultation feel so bad about it arh anyway after that then went eat mac with sara, alwina, ai hui, shi yu, kayne, wei en, dai quan, yenlin and wen wei zhixu and sherliyn my 2 darlinx didn't go with us because they went eat first feel quite bad about it also

but i was damn sad because my ulces not heal yet it is so damn big and painful
i try putting salt but none of this work
so i cannot eat arh T_T
there was no MT lecture so it was really a wasted trip

M for mii
zhixu, sherliyn,shiyu & alwina were practing their guitar

was talking to Dickson

thank lotts for his advice

my dinner

i was not trying to lose weight

i had like 1 octopus ball, 2 du-du gao, 1 sushi, 5 famous amos cookie, 1/3 of fried moodle

before that

cute right

josephine was the first one who bought this

went to this central cafe at TM

food there still ok

somemore not very expensive

siqi's gift from the cg

my gift from the cg

i tried greenteamcflurry today

like it lotts

but i prefer the green bean one that is avaliable only in malaysia in a certain period of time

have not start any hw yet nor any revision

will be mugging from this saturday onward =)

siqin

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Thursday, May 29, 2008 9:31 PM ♥

When the darkness falls, the moon comes out, i am just like a werewolf. I changed and become not myself. Maybe this is what i am born with, it is impossible to change. I made many promises to a lot of people, but i am sorry to say that i no longer can keep to that. When people know that i am in trouble, many said that i can look for them or whatever, but many were lies. I seek help from people when i am in trouble, but people ignore me. I understand that many people are really busy with their work, but i am really depressed because i feel helpless. I usually like to message people when i seek help because it is fast and easy, so, i really hope that if people really do not want to help me, at least reply me or tell the truth that you are busy. Do people ever wonder that i feel really terrible while i was seeking for help. I feel that i am all alone, like the only person on Earth. Tears roll down my face, depression sink into me, perhaps the time has come for what must be done. I am feeling terrible right now. I no longer believe in trust, in faith and in GOD. I really appreciate what siqin, nicole have done to help me. I really thank you people for that. Perhaps? Indeed? I fear the dark... ... the dark changed me... ... this is when the devil strike on me. Anger, fear,pain,... ... i feel that i am going to breakdown soon. I am losing control again. No one can save me... ... i have no confidence to trust anyone again... i am a coward

-qi

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11:06 AM ♥

I have just woke up no long ago. I cried again, after reading some blogs. I am really afraid of myself. I do not know when i cry, when i smile, or what will i do? I am not in control of my life, my emotions are. With lots of things happening in the care-group, i am unwilling to trouble any leaders any more. Now, i have no motivation to do anything, not even studying or whatever. I fear the dark, the night. It is the time that i have to battle the negative thoughtd myself, which i tend to give up. What am i fighting for? I cannot see what GOD has done to help me. What is it that he has done? I am just like a body without a soul, i am not me. If my life is all about suffering, then take me away... ... I hate to lose control of myself and cut myself. But what i can do to numb myself? I hate the world!

I understand that i have hurt a lot of people. These people includes my family, shepherd, shepherd's lao da and many more... I hate to hurt this people because they are close to me, they are those who do not give me up. I really felt sorry to them. I am trying to stay away from home a few days, trying to stabilise my emotions. Why can i stay? Really do not know where. I am giving myself the last chance of my life, if i do not make it this time... ... i am prepared to vanish from their sight...

-qi

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12:24 AM ♥

Finally like what i have expected, i broke down today. During Care-Group, i was really not able to concentrate well, my mind drifts away easily. I ran into deep thoughts, and i was too engrossed with it. I have been losing my focus, not able to concentrate in my studies or whatever. After the Care-Group, i finally broke down. I can feel the urge that tears were going to roll down, but i was trying to hold my tears. Seriously, my back hurts ALOT! I really cannot sit straight, it is so painful. Thus, i was not able to sit straight during Care-Group. Ouch! Initiatly, i wanted to have dinner with the Care-Group members, but i feel that my emotions were unstable. So, i quickly went home. The pain was really unbearable. When i reached home, i started to cry again. I really do not know what was wrong with me? Why did i cried so badly? Am i losing myself? I was searching the answer deep down within my heart, but i failed to do so. Losing myself, i cut myself again. But this time round, i bleed more. I was really desperate. I tend to have a lot of negative thoughts when i am alone, but this is unevitable. Perhaps self-mutilation is a source of comfort? Or maybe i am addicted to it? Qin went to called Kim and Nicole, and both of them gave to our house. In fact, i was quite cold to them. Seriously when you are crying, you do not really bother much. I promise that i will go washed myself up and not try to do anything funny tonight. BUT, I am not sure if I can keep to my promise. I really do not want to stay at home, i feel very stressful. I guess i want to stay away from home this days. I no longer have the will-power to continue my journey. I am like a lost soul, a wandering ghost. In fact, i am no longer what i used to be in the past. I used to smile very often, i used to joke a lot. But that was the past, all of that have disappear. I am no longer myself. So, i am now living with out a motive or purpose, that is totally wasting my life on Earth. I have no idea how i am going to survive tonight. Take more pills or what? I really do not know! I try to stop myself from doing funny tonight, but how long i can last? I have almost given up my life. I guess i am sure that i am ready this time. I am ready to go... ...

-siqi

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008 10:03 AM ♥

I thought i could have overcome my problem, but unfortunately, i did not. Yesterday, i loss control again. In fact, the initial agrument with Qin was just a small issue, but my reaction was too extreme. Now, i really can feel that sonething is wrong with me, emotionally instable. I almost commit sucide yesterday, but i was stopped by my parents. Fortunately i was saved, or it will not be possible to blog now. I am too rash and impulsive, i did not considered the consequences of my choice. So, my father brought me to the Tampines Polyclinic. I am quite happy that i do not have to attend school for some time, because the doctor gave me a MC till the end of the week. At least i can rest for the time being, to be more emotionally stable. I hope i will not breakdown again. And of course, i have to rely on my Panadol again, i really have a bad headache that make me lose my sleeps. I really pray that God will give me the strength to overcome all this problem! I am quite shocked that i was refered to Alexander Hospital only at the first week of July. Oh my! No anti-depressant pills or whatever!

As i continue my fasting, it really test my faith in God. Even though i can hear the 'siew mai', 'KFC fried chicken' calling out my name, but i said calmly " Shut Up. What is your problem?'. I will resist the temption and continue my fast! Life without meat is really quite a torture, but i can overcome it.
I guess i still need quite some time to overcome my problem. May God bless me...

-siqi

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8:20 AM ♥

peace has never came back since my birthday
everything in a chao
i m seriously facing a lot of mental stress and pressure
had another arguement last night again
a small issue result in a chaos in the family
everyone was affected emotionally

well i guess people have to know that we have to grow up and not resort in hurting oneself as a form of de-stress
can't she think about the feelings of our parents
all those harsh words she say really hurt them
and all the things she make up herself, accussing me for things i didn't even mentioned
i was really damn pissed off
everyone has stress and things to overcome
when they don't say out is just because they don't want others to worrry
one must know how to face obstacles in life

i m honest to say that everyone in my family has a big problem to face
there is some relationship problem within my parents
my father has some problem with his work
my mum has starting to fall sick and i can see that she is really very tired
they have to finance a lot of fees like tution fee since i m taking up more tution now
i have to manage my studies because i seriosuly facing problem with it
i have to cope with some relationship thinggy
i have to overcome some personal problem etc
everyone is trying to manage the things they have now
and they are struggling to do so

seriously i m affected by all this chao
yet i have to pretend everything is ok and go to school behaving that everything is all right
i guessed most of my firend by now should aready know about the problem i m facing daily
it is really tiring when i m sick yet i have to face all this mental stress and also when she start using her penknife again
can't she try to think of others
she always claim that we are the one who cause this
but don't she know that she has a part too
she is 17, mature enough to manage her own stress
and not just vent it out like that
because everyone in the family is tired, very tired
if this continue i know that the family will collapse and i m trying my very best not to let this happen
i just hope that God will really guide me along and help me to overcome all this
i also want to pray for me to be slow in anger and that i will keep cool even when i m so damn pissed off for the sake of the family
God give me strength to hang on

siqin

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008 7:46 PM ♥

Yup! I just came back from Kim's house. After staying for one day, i really feel a lot better. Before that, as some people may know, i am facing some family issus. But i am happy that some of the issues have been already resolved. So, i went to meet Kim at around 9pm at Tampines Mart. And i saw Nicole and Ryan. When i reached there, i can feel sonething is wrong. Later i realised that something terrible. Something happened to Amanda's family. I can really feel the pain that Aman has to feel now. I really pray for miracle healing from God, i know God can heal the blind, the lame and also the sickness. I have intended to fast myself from meat. Firstly, it is for me to be more depend on God, getting closer to Him. Secondly, to really pray that God can turn things round, really help Aman's family. I can see that i have changed a lot in my thinking recently. Yesterday, me and Kim went to run around the Ngee Ann Secondary School. It was a 3km run. It was really a breakthrough for me because this was the first time i ran without stopping. In fact, i was tempted to stop when i reached the second round, but the encouragement from Kim and also by praying to God for the strength, i made it. During the run, there is quite a lot of things that i have learned. I see that i should not give up easily; i would not want to waste my previous efforts by giving up now. Everything has a solution; Seeking God is the solution. Now, i really see that self mutilation is NOT the solution! I really enjoy the quiet time, maybe because i am not doing alone?

I did not attend to school today! Wow! Something courageous i did! Just joking! I have over slept this morning, i woke up at 12.30pm. Oh my! But also some family problem that cause me lose my mood to study. But i went back to school again. So cool! Going back to school in home-clothes was cool. Anyway, i saw Pohee, Wendy, Molestine and Sheryl. Thanks Wendy for keeping my tutorial! Then we went to Tampines Mart to have McDonald. Fillet o' fish! My favourite! But, i am fasting on that now! Anyway, i feel more positive now, in my thinking or whatever. I am so sorry that i have made so many people worried about me this days. So sorry about that. But now i have straightened my thought and understand that death is not the solution.

Now, i am still trying to overcome some problem between me and Qin, and also on studies. I still need help on that. I just do not enjoy staying at home, i do not want to see Qin. We always argue with each other, i am sick of that. I am happy to know that many people are there to help me when i am in trouble. Really appreciate the concern! In fact, i really want to share my trouble with Nicole, but sometime i am very loss for words. But i am putting my first leg forward now, i am trying to be more open with her. I understand that it is weird not to approach Nicole, she is my shepherd. Perhaps i need to be more sensitive. I really thank Kim for a stay at her house. I really learned alot from you! Praise the LORD... ...

-siqi
(i must not eat meat!!)

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3:53 PM ♥

there has been much problem in the family
siqi's issue, parents' issue etc.
well i m still coping with all this stress with the help of God
i must really say God gave me the strength to face all these problem

yesterday my parents had a serious arguements
i must say that i m quite insensitive because for the past few days i detect no change in the atmosphere in the house
i thought everything was normal but i was wrong
i came home knowing that siqi will be staying over at kin's house and my mum going out
meaning leaving me alone in the house
well, i must admit that i really hate staying at home alone because i m afraid of doing so
i always feel that there is ' someone' else in the house with me
so the thought of staying at home alone is so damn horrible
and what i hate most is that nobody tell me what is going on
everyone just say that i don't need to know becuase i cannot do much to help

well, i cried because i reaally feel that i m not treated as a family
family should keep no secret between them and should be honest with one another
so after siqi left i was left with dad
was having a fever despite eating my mecidine
so i can only make use of this as an excuse to call mum then persuade her come back
really feel so helpless because i cannot really do much to help so i kept crying
aunt then call to check how is my fever
after some talk, dad and mum somehow reconcile
so met up at east point to eat
i really don't feel like going out because i really had a bad headache but no choice
i feel that i should go
walk to east point there meet up with aunt first
she bought our birthday gift together with some stuff for us
really like the jacket she got me
really thanks a lot =)

everything at least came to a close, a happy ending??? i don't know
sometime i really feel fustrated with all my work and things around me
and this really make me want to revert back to who i m in the past
i really had the urge to just stray away from the KOG and then lead the life i used to have
at least i don't have to stay at home and face the family
hate to stay or see their face because i don't want to be related to them
but i did not do that because i know that all these things will not benefit me
i will not resort in cutting myself like what i did in the past
or resort to death because i promise yujun i will not do that
all these things will only bring misery to those who love me
these are inmature acts

i strongly believe that when you love someone, you should not bring pain or worries to the person
all things can be solved by yourself because one can always seek God for help
i did that and i want to tell all the other people out there who does not know God about this
Praise the Lord because God once again touches me and help me overcome one of my problems
or in fact He has really help me solve most of my problem

i really thanks those who really care for me during this period of time, especailly my dearest Darlinx and 08S21 female friends =)

through this incident i really grow up a lot and i m definately ready to shoulder more responsibilty and burden

siqin

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Monday, May 26, 2008 4:58 PM ♥

I have not been able to sleep well over the past few days. I have been over-relying on pills to get me to sleep. Of course! Not sleeping pills, it requires doctor's prescription. It is the ultimate Panadol and flu medicine. I really have a very bad headache this days that makes it unbearable for me to sleep. I did much crying bacause of that. The flu medicine did a lot of help in getting me to sleep, it will help me turn on my 'sleeping' mode. Perhaps i am sort of too rely on this medicine that i cannot live without them. Yesterday night was really terrible, i just cannot sleep. Even though i prayed very hard, but it still failed. I still have to take my Panadol to sleep. What is going wrong? So, i was really very tired this morning and really do not want to go school. Today's lectures were quite long and boring, really lose to mood to do anything. Unfortunately, the devil still strike on me again this very afternoon. I can feel that i am losing myself already. And all of a sudden, i bought a new pen kinfe. I have a bad feeling about all this... ... maybe everything is coming to an end soon. I always have this feeling that i will not live to my 18's birthday, perhaps it is really true? I am sort of trying to overcome this problem, but my effort seems to have gone down to drain. I cut myself again, not very deep. I cannot believe that i cannot find a sharp pen knife at home. So, i guess i bought a new one, but it is still not used yet.

Why God is so cruel? Why did he send all this disasters to the people? Reading the newspaper everyday, there are lots and lots of people dying out there. Is the consequence too severe? It is too harsh to the people? I am losing my faith in Him... ...It seems that every scar that leaves of my hand reminds me of the sufferings i am facing now. The physical pain i have to bear is really better than the emotional pain that is inflicted on me. How i wish everything can end, ending every problem that i have to face ends... ...maybe this is going to be the time when i enjoy PEACE... ...too loss for words.

-siqi

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12:26 AM ♥

As usual, i went for tuition at 2.30pm. I was quite tired today after having a tough time to sleep during yesterday night. In fact, i was crying. Anyway, i joined Nicole and company to study at the McDonald at Tampines Mart. Those people whom i saw were Nicole, Michelle, Cai Xuan, Ruiling, Wei En (teddy bear), Ryan and Kim. Cai Xuan left couple of minutes after i arrived, ,while Kim and Ryan came to join us half-way. I have a fillet o' fish extra value meal and addition medium size coke. I was way too full to eat my dinner. Now, i can feel my stomach grumbling. We went to play basketball after our meal near Wei En's place.Cool... ... first time i get to play with them. I guess i can kn ow them better from then. During the game, i was trying to concentrate and be serious about the game, i do not want to let my mind wanders off. They were like saying that i was very serious in the game, but actually i was. After lots of sweating, the feeling was quite great. At least i feel much better. Unfortunately, i got a blister and a cut that hurts a lot. I hope it will heal by tomorrow. I really thank Kim for walking me back. It was quite a distance from my place to her place. I really, really thank her for that!! So, we did some talking and i really get what she was trying to say. Thanks for that! I feel that i was emo-ing at that time, i merely did not speak more than five words each time i open my mouth. I think on this very planet, not a lot of people i feel comfortable talking to. I think there is like only 2? Should be? Anyway, i passed her the gift i bought for her; it was a winnie the pooh. Actually, i have no idea what she likes, so i just bought what i like? I merely did that on my very own account, i really want to thank her for helping me out. I know i am not alone.

At this very moment, i can feel emo AGAIN. It is really irritating! I am totally losing control of myself, it comes and goes. In fact, i was thinking about getting a pen-knife today. I realised that my pen-knife was quite blunt, but i totally forgot about it. Maybe this was just a blessing? i am trying to overcome all this, but it really got to take some time. I really do not want to trouble the people around me, i do not want to be a burden. I have talked to my mother and she was trying to get me to go for counselling,maybe it will get better? It is like OMG, i cannot get to sleep. I have been relying on the Panadol and flu medicine to get me into sleep. Too bad there is lecture tomorrow, i cannot stay up for the whole night. I have been trying to hide my 'blade', trying not to use it. OMG! The feeling was really bad, i am still trying to resist it. I just have the urge to do it... ...OMG! I hope i can overcome it, this feeling is really terrible. I am really hopeless, why i cannot overcome all this? This may seems like a small problem, but why i cannot just get over with it. Pain!! Really still struggling! The fight continues... ... I bet i would not win? I hate the world...
-siqi

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Sunday, May 25, 2008 8:11 PM ♥

random upload as usual:

went to eat on Mother's day

with some relatives

i lurbb the crab ^^

my study corner

no lahx . . . more of a place i watch my drama dou nui yao bu yao

cute bahx

this is the gift i receive from siqi as b'dea gift

went eat ya kun bread

i lurbb it lotts

i realise i eat a lot arh

or penguin?

siqiin =)

well, the food there is still quite ok lahx

except that it is not cheap either

dad & mum

while waiting . .

mermaid freeze & sharkie freeze

i really wonder y they want make it such a big cup arh

sauce . . . i dun like them

cuz i like original taste of food

my b'dea gift from the class

my name is on it !!!

onr of the gift from mum

she rmbr tat i like this cute little bear bear coin bank

wow . . . a huge one isn't it

siqin

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11:48 AM ♥

The church service yesterday was quite fun for me; I met up with nicole at the Tampines MRT station at 11.15am, which i was proud to say that finally i was on time. I was not late! Anyway, we head to Somerset for the JC meeting. From then, i learned that it was Louis's birthday yesterday. Happy Belated Birthday! After having some conversation with Nicole, i began to learned more about her. Unlike Cai Juan(my previous shepherd) who was a little wild, Nicole was more than that. Just kidding! It was just that some action really stunned me. So, i gave her the present that i bought for her. It was the red mushroom handphone holder which i feel that it looks like the mushroom character in maple story. Seriously, i have no idea why i went for the JC meet? Maybe i just do not want to disappoint Nicole? After the JC meet, some of the CG members went to eat Wanton noodle. It was nice! Yummy! After trying to swallow down everything, it was time for us to attend the prayer meet. Kim was singing! That is really cool! I really pray to God to help me overcome my phobia. True enough, God arranged me to seat all the way in beside the wall. I was like ' God, you must be joking?'. I am like being surrounded in all direction. Maybe God wants to give me the opportunity to overcome my fear? I was shivering and trembling. Shivering because it was too cold, trembling because i was too scared. I really felt uneasy, it was all of a sudden to have a urge to leave. But i did not. I felt so tired, hopeless and helpless. I was just like a poor soul fighting in the battle myself. I was totally drained, there was no more drive for me to go on. I admit that i almost cried, but i was trying hard to hold my tears. Fortunately, the service ended. We went to have our dinner at Meridian. I alway having the dumpling noodle soup, just that i hate the vegetable inside. It was then all the fun begins. We have pool! It has really been a long time seems i touch the pool cue. Joyce was really cute, she really can 'jump' the ball. Michelle was good in the game, because of the fact that she was also a left-handed person. After that, we went to eat. So, everybody was supposed to contribute some food and celebrate Louis's birthday. Michelle, Siting and I shared to buy the honey chicken which smells good! Yummy, yummy! I also like the cheese cake that Kim bought. This very cheese cake really changed my opinion, i used to hate it. Everything ended quite late and we were rushing for the last train service. Actually i went to pass Kim a present that i have bought, but she was missing in action. After arriving at Tampines, we went to slack a bit at the TM MacDonald before heading home. It was really quite late when i reached home, but it was really a fun day together with the CG. Really thanks the CG for such a wonderful day!

While i was on my way home ALONE, the devil starts to strike on me again. ' If God really love His people so much, why did He allows the disasters to happen and killed so many people?' I was stunned and shocked. Why? Why all this happened? I was really searching for the right answer. I was really depressed. Maybe God is not as great as He is? All of a sudden, the devil's voice was over my head. I prayed to God to let it stop... ... Perhaps i should just give up? I have no confident in winning the battle. The devil seems to only strike only at night, when i was alone. No one can help me! No one can save me! I was all alone... ... In fact, i was crying pretty badly,why does all this comes and goes... ... i have no control. My emotion just overwhelm me, this is really distracting. Now, i am just feeling very restless, no mood for anything. Even a slightest things can affect my mood, even if it was nothing. I am really falling into a bottomless pit, never ending, never stop. I am just a mortal, a ordinary person. I do not have the power to fight against the devil, even God is not helping me.

I was having a tough time trying to get on with my sleep. One Baa... ...Two Baa... Baa... Three Baa... Baa ... Baa...........so on so for. What if everything can end, what if all the pain can end, should i go for it. Perhaps my heart is died, really died... ... i remember when i was backsliding at East E, many tried to save me. But they failed, i was drifting off already. Maybe this is going to be the second time? There are many questions within my heart that i long to have an answer, but who can i asked? Maybe this world just do not understand me, maybe i do not belongs to this world? I am going to end all this... ...what if death is just the only solution?

-siqi

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Friday, May 23, 2008 11:44 PM ♥

After all the examinations i have today, i rushed home to have a quick rest before heading to Phoebe's house. I think i am really an idiot, i spent like 30minutes looking for a map of Tampines through the Internet. I am such a computer idiot! Anyway, i got a gift for the Celestine; it is her birthday tomorrow. So, i head to Phoebe's house and saw quite a lot of people there. They were the twins, Mark and Ben, Pohee, Yvonne, Celestine, Sheryl, Wei Jie, Phoebe and me of course. They were watchinh this Thailand horror movie that also scare out my soul. I really dislike horror movies, i do not see the reason why i have to scare myself out of it. In some parts of the movie were rather funny, but i still find it quite frightening. Since i know that my faith to God may be affected by this, i chose to pluck in my mp3 and close my eyes. I was sleeping...zzz... Anyway, i really want to thank God for giving me the strength to overcome the horror scene i have 'accidentally' watch; so damn unlucky for me. After the movie, we went to the bus-stop to meet Ignatius before heading to the coffee shop. We ordered a few dishes and have a meal to celebrate celestine birthday. Happy birthday to you celestine! We ordered like 10 cans of green tea, that was totally awesome. Can you imagine that everyone was having the same drink? Crazy!The food there was rather nice and the price was reasonable. Actually, we do have some left-over, but the guys have finished them because they have lost in the game of the code game (zhong ji mi ma). The forfeit was damn diguesting, mixing all the left-over up. Yucks! Never in my life i am going to eat that! After the dinner, Phoebe went home, while the rest of us went to TM. I was so glad that Yvonne, Pohee and Celestine can accompany me to get some presents. Anyway, the present was supposed to be kept as a secret! Praise the Lord...

10 cans of IDENTICAL green tea...

Yummy yummy...

Disguesting! Yucks!

Poor guy, trying the forfeit 'prize'...

-siQi

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4:51 PM ♥

Waking up this morning, i feel quite refreshed. All thanks to the Panadol i ate yesterday. Yesterday P.E was atrocious, doing P.E under the hot sun was killing me. Every P.E lesson, we were supposed to run like 3 rounds before anything else. So i was like praying to God, "God, i really depend on you. Please give me the strength to allow me to run for 2 rounds without stopping". And YES! I did it. This is the first time when i feel that God is with me. Yesterday night was horrible for me because i was have a bad muscle ache. I really cannot sleep. So, i pop up 4 Panadols and went to sleep. Fortunately, i was able to wake up the next morning. I did not died of overdosing! Today was my first SA1 in TPJC. Woah! Not too bad i guess. Maybe it is true of what Nicole has blogged about "experiencing the JC life in TPJC". I really did a lot of talking with Joanne, more on church things. I feel that joanne is someone i can work towards with. In some ways, we are quite alike. It is good to know that Kim has recovered from constipation. However, laxative is still not very good for the body. Try to eat more fruits and vegetables i guess. Now, i am really feeling better than the days before. This is really a good thing, at least i do not feel so distracted. Thanks GOD!

-siQi

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 8:14 PM ♥

After meeting Kim today in school and having to learn God's word from my shepherd's shepherd, i really feel much better now. I used to magnify my problems so big, thinking there was no solution to my problem. But after today, i can see that all my problems are insignificant as compared to God. God's problem is even way too huge as compared to a peanut problem of mine. I learned about this word 'JOY' today; Firstly, i live for JESUS; Secondly, i live for OTHERS; and lastly i live for YOURSELF (myself). This theory really untied the knots in my heart, i have to make a first step before JESUS can make a thousand steps. After solving this part of my problem, it is now for me to work towards the other problems. I really do not want to fall into depression; i do not want the misery to continue to cling on me and affecting the others. I now really believe in the word 'addiction', i really understand why drugs, smoking are addicitive. Once you start, it seems impossible to stop. It is not me not believing in the strength of God to help me overcome my problems, it is just quite hard for me to battle all this myself. I really feel very weak at times,feeling that i am may collapse at any moment. Now, i am like stuck in the mud with a problem; 'addiction' for me to cut myself. It has already gradually becoming a habit of mine to cut myself whenever i feel depressed. This is really the time where i really need God's help and self control. But, it is really hard for me to stop. I really do not know what can i do other than cutting myself, other than telling God. Oh my gosh, i am like doing it again today already. I thought of seeking help through counselling or taking anti-depressant, maybe that will help me before i go crazy.

I really do not feel like going service this saturday. Firstly, i really scared of going to church alone. Maybe because i am still quite unfamiliar with the CG members, so i really do not know what i can talk to them about. Seriously, i am someone who really cannot open up myself easily, i also do not tend to trust people easily. I guess that i am jsut afraid, trying to keep a distance from others. But i am really going to step out of my comfort zone. This is also one of my camp goals. Secondly, i just feel really uncomfortable in church with too many people around me. It is really awesome that the church is going in the sense, it just seems like a phobia to me. I think that should be all for me today.


MY CAMP GOAL
1. Able to step out of my comfort zone - get to know more people
2. Able to achieve spiritual breakthrough - able to speak better in tongues
3. Able to have strong commitment in GOD - having more faith in Him

-siQi

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008 10:49 PM ♥

I am just a failure, completely a failure. I am a failure at home, in studies, in church, in friendship... ... Why do people have to look down on me, question my ability to make it in my first year in JC? Why i cannot do well in my studies even though i study hard for it? Why do i always get rejected when i tried to invite people to my church? Why do i get betrayed by my 'goood' friends? I really do not understand why i am the unlucky one who have to face all this in life? I cannot believe that my parents and my sister really doubt my ability in JC, when it is not even half a year in college. They are my family, why i get discouragment more than encouragement? Even though sometimes i really do not mean it that way, it really break my heart and hurt me. It seems like adding salt to my wound, the pain is unbearable for me. i have tried very hard to do well in my studies, but why do i keep failing? Why do i have lots of work that await me to finish that i cannot get a sufficient sleep? I am really getting very tired in doing all this! I am really very stressed right now, i have no idea how i am going to face the CG members, especially Nicole and Kim. "I really feel very sorry to Nicole, i am not a good sheep. I am adding more problems to you even though you are already being so caught up with ypur work. I am sorry that i am such a disappointment." , " I am also feeling very sorry to Kim. I am sorry to disappoint you that i am not a good 'seed' as what you have said. I really feel bad about adding more problems to your life."

I have cried just now while i was in the bathroom. I really feel very lonely,worthless,hopeless... ...it seems like there is nothing to ease my pain. I have tried to drunk myself with alcohol, but it still does not numb my pain. Often, i will just cut myself with a army swiss knife, allowing me to feel the pain physically. My heart was aching, filled with sorrow and pain. My heart is like a bottomless pit, there is this empitness which can never be filled. Maybe it is just God's wish for me to stay alive, i should have already died last month. I remember that after a heated agrument with my parents, i ran into the toilet with an army swiss knife in my hand, trying to end my life with it. However before i did that, my parent banged through the door and stopped me. It was really close. I can still barely remember that the door fell and hit my head, that is why i got a pretty bad headache that week. I really prayed to God that i hope he can bring me away from this world, leaving all my worries behind. I really feel like dying!! Now, i do not even dare to face Nicole and Kim, what should i do? The deadline is coming and i still cannot get anyone to church, what should i do? I really feel very stressed about it, since i said that i want to be part of it, it is then my responsibility to accomplish it...

-siQi

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008 11:57 PM ♥

Usually if i post like twice a day, most probably something bad is about to happen. True enough, i am not announcing any good news. After crying in the bathroom, i suddenly has an urged to call the 'Samaritans of Singapore'. Unfortunately, i do not have the courage to put a foot forward to receive help. While i was in the bathroom, i have though about me overdosing of medicine( Panadol). I knew that the consequences would have been lethal, which is DEATH. Am i really for that? Am i willing to let go of what i possess now? Is death only my solution? These questions kept coming across my mind, confusing me up. But i really urged for an answer. Oh GOD, please God, tell me what should i do? Popping up the pills is really as easy as ABC, i am sure that if i take the pills, i will not be waking up in the next morning. Should i do so? I really want to numb my pains and wounds, putting all to an end with a full stop. Maybe i am just a weakling who cannot faced the reality? What should i do?

-siQi

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10:58 PM ♥

The celebration i have today was totally awesome. I was really surprise that the care-group members remembered that today is my birthday. All the things were great and i really wants to thank them for that. Thank you very much for the celebration, I really loves it!I really love the chocolate cake, not too sweet or bitter, just perfect!

In fact, i am still kind of sad today. This is totally not anyone's fault, it is 100% my problem. I really felt miserable today, so upset that i almost broke into tears. There is something buried deep down in my heart that i cannot lift it up. It is too heavy for me to bear with it. I feel as if there were thousands of knives stabbing on my heart. Ouch! That was very painful!In fact, i do not denied that i am actually an attention seeker. I guess most people cannot tell that i am one, maybe i hid it too well? I really get used in having teachers, or friends' attentions in the past. Maybe that is why i am not used to it now? I urged to pour out all my woes and sorrow, but which poor soul is willingly to lend a listening ear? I know that everyone has their own problem, why should i add more burden on the others? In the past, i do not used to cry, not even 'Adam Khoo's camp'. But now, i cry very often. Why is that so? Am i behaving normal right now? I am not trying to vent out all anger or whatsoever, but i really hope that i can feel much comfortable after sharing all this. I am really getting sick and tired hanging on to what i have now. I prayed to God, to ask him to relieved some of my burdens.But i am still unable to cope right now. I do not want anyone to sympathise me, i do not need anyone to pity me! I just hope that i can really get over with all this.I am very tired of putting a brave front among the people, i am really sick of that. Sometimes, i really hope that i can just go to sleep forever, no more trouble and no more anything, it is just peace in my heart. Bottling all my troubles for many years, i sensed that i am reaching my limit soon... ... exploding very soon. I am trying to refrains my tears from rolling down my cheeks, i am trying to keep cool. My life is really up and down that no words can describe it. If i can be granted a wish, I HOPE THAT I CAN BE PUT TO SLEEP FOREVER WITHOUT ANY TROUBLES LINGERING ME...

-siQi

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Monday, May 19, 2008 11:50 PM ♥

Today was definitely a fun day; not only had I enjoyed the celebration with my family, but also going to the TPJC choir concert. I was out around the afternoon to have a meal at the ‘fish & co.’ with my family and my grandmother. Initially, my parents suggested to have ‘dim sum’ instead, but can believe how weird it is to celebrate my birthday by having ‘dim sum’. I guessed it looks more like celebrating ‘mother’s day’. I was eating the ‘best fish and chip in town’ as usual, while Qin was having her ‘peri peri prawn’. It was a spread; we have like seafood platter, pizza, mermaid freeze, sharkie freeze and cappuccino. It was really awesome to have a feast like that. I guessed that the one in Suntec City is really better then the Tampines Mall one. After the meal, we did some shopping at the Carrefour; while I went to shop for a present for Qin. Time flew so quickly that it was almost time to meet my friends.
Apparently, I was the earliest who reached the city hall MRT station. Supposedly, I thought I will be the latest, but I was not. That was an improvement that I have made. Looking at the way my friends were dressed, I really cannot identified some of them, especially Pohee. So, after meeting with Joanne, Wendy, Pohee, Sheryl, Phoebe and Calista, we went around to look for food. After walking through lots of restaurants, we finally settled down at ‘Thai Express’. I ordered this plate of ‘Thai fried noodle’, that I cannot stand the taste. It was a bit sour and spicy, not suitable for my taste bud actually. There, I received the presents from Wendy and Pohee. It was really very nice and heart-warming. Love your lots! After our dinner, we went to the Esplanade for the TPJC choir concert. In fact, Khari was a little late, so we waited for her outside the entrance. Guess who I saw at the entrance? It was Kim. In fact, I knew that she was going for the concert, but I did not expected that we will bump into each other. Quite amazing actually! Later, we were ushered to our seat, which was like pretty close to the stage. We were supposed to be sitting at Circle 1 cc, but we were shift to row R instead. We have a nice view from our seats, which was almost directly towards the center of the stage. I find the overall performance quite well done, especially the ABBA’s songs. That sounded almost perfect for me! I really enjoyed the performance; I can feel that a lot of hard work has been placed for it. Well done! After the concert, it was photo taking time. We were busy in taking photographs with each other, not only just us alone. I did saw Kim again, and so we took a photo. After all the laughing, we were waiting patiently for Yvonne to meet us. Pohee has actually bought some flowers for her that was really sweet. So, we started with put photo shooting again. Crazy is it? But when friends hanged around to do so, it was really fun.
It has already past 12.00am, and today is my birthday. I just received some messages from some friends wishing me a ‘Happy Birthday’. That was really so sweet. Guess what again? Kim was the 1st person who wishes me today. Thanks a lot!

Pizza...

almost done with my fish n chip...

peri peri prawn?...

lots of food...

Joanne, Pohee, Wendy...

cannot tell that she is Pohee...

i was trying to hold my laughter...

the 'Thai fried noddle'...

Pohee eating her 'glass noodle...'

Wendy's dessert...

Wendy, a big eater...

in the toilet...

Pohee, Wendy...

up the rooftop...

enjoy the splendid view...

Wendy, Calista...

sorry for the blur photo... i got jelly hands

me and Kim

-siQi

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